


Proof of Loyalty

by trilliath



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Forced Masturbation, M/M, Power Plays, Renegade!Shepard, Voyeurism, biotic throwdowns, dub-con
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-01
Updated: 2012-06-01
Packaged: 2017-11-06 11:06:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 25,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/418187
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trilliath/pseuds/trilliath
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaidan wants back on the Normandy, but Shepard is pissed, having argued down Kaidan and having had to shoot Udina himself, and is not altogether convinced the Major is loyal enough.<br/>He needs the help but doesn't have time for maybes because shit is hitting the proverbial fan in the galaxy, and he needs to make Kaidan prove his loyalty fast.</p><p>So he does, by making him do something he doesn't want to do. Namely, give the Commander a blow job.</p><p>_____</p><p>Part one of the proof of loyalty series starts here!<br/>This turned out to be one of my most popular fics on the meme. It's certainly one of my favorites.<br/>Sure it's got a lot of explicit sex, but I think most people responded even more to the psychological elements of the characters. Anyway, it got enough sequel requests that it got up to 5 different stories, and there's possibly one more on the way. Hope you enjoy!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The door of the docking bay whooshed open and instead of the usual empty corridor there was a body in his path.  
"Kaidan," he said, surprised. And not entirely happy. "I wondered where you went. What's up?"

"I'm trying to wrap my head around what just happened."

"You sound angry." Shepard pursed his lips. He definitely didn't have time to deal with this shit. 

"No, just not used to staring down the gun of someone I've worked with so closely," he said, stepping forward and letting his hands fall to his sides. "How it all went down, it's got me… I don't know."

Oh yes. Shepard knew. This was doubtful Kaidan, retrospective-analysis Kaidan. Annoying as hell, but admittedly... useful at times.

"Ok, talk to me. Let's have it," Shepard says brusquely.

"If I hadn't backed down first, I feel like you would have taken me out," Kaidan says hesitantly, accusing.

Shepard very nearly rolled his eyes. Damn straight he would have shot him. If he was going to continue to be that much of an idiot he had no place in the war. Still, he was glad the man had lowered his weapon.

"Main thing is we stopped the coup, and Cerberus is off the Citadel," Shepard said, trying to, once again, remind Kaidan that practicalities were key when it came to mission evaluations.

"But sometimes the way a thing goes down _does_ matter, Shepard," Kaidan said, stepping back a pace and frowning. "Later when you have to live with yourself," he said turning to stare out the window, "Knowing that you acted with integrity - then it matters."

"You're talking about Udina?" Shepard said, incredulous.  
Integrity. What the fuck was integrity when people around you were being turned into cannibal monsters who fed off the flesh of their families.  
It was like Alenko hadn't watched Shepard taken out dozens of idiots over the years who had been foolish enough to get in the way of his mission. It was as though he didn't have a clue that they were at _war_. Shepard found he was developing a strong desire to punch Kaidan in the face.

Kaidan turned to look at him, embarrassed.

"You think he would have come in quietly?" Shepard said, a hint of scorn in his voice. "Kaidan, he gave me no choice, I had to take the shot."

"Alright," he said looking down. "Yeah, of course," he added, realizing that this topic was clearly a bad direction to continue in.  
"Look, Shepard, there's another reason I'm here," he said. "Hackett offered me a position, but I'd turn it down in a _second_ if there was a chance to join you on the Normandy again." he said, moving away from the windows to come stand in front of him. The look on his face is keen, urgent.

Shepard doesn't answer him. He just looks at him, face unmoved.

"I need you to know that I'll never doubt you again. I've got your back," he says earnestly.

Shepard merely remembers trite and bitter words said on Mars about the impotence of words over deeds. It pisses him off. He frowns at his omni-tool's flashing indicator. He has duties to take care of. He doesn't have time for platitudes or argument. He certainly doesn't have time to stand in a docking hatch chatting with a fickle marine.

"Commander, I-"

"Walk with me," he interrupts, striding by the Major and onto the gangplank leading to the Normandy's airlock.

They walk onboard, and down the throat of the Normandy. Shepard nods to crew as they pass in the hall. They do not speak. The commander makes him wait while he checks his messages at his private terminal. Makes him wait as he composes a response to a strike team. 

"We're leaving within the hour," Shepard says to his comm officer, and, Kaidan realizes belatedly, to the ship. 

"Understood, Commander," comes the AI's voice.  
Traynor nods, adds a quiet "Sir," and begins assessing the duty roster and leave assignments in coordination with EDI. Announcements begin to echo quietly at various duty stations. As Shepard composes another response message Traynor examines them both with a curious glance before going back to work. Kaidan hangs there awkwardly trying to stay out of the way of crew preparing for launch.

He still hasn't given him an answer.  
They ride the elevator down in silence. Shepard is clearly thinking, and Kaidan doesn't dare interrupt.

Crew dart to the other side of the hall as they near. Shepard acknowledges them with a distant nod as they stride past. He opens the door to the starboard lounge.

"Out," he orders the brunette lounging in the corner with a book. She hops to her feet, clingy plastic dress riding up as stands. Her inquisitive eyes roam over Kaidan's form and he frowns at the invasive gaze. She casts a hopeful look at Shepard as she saunters out of the room but she is summarily ignored. 

Shepard goes to stand before the viewport, drops into a natural parade rest position that doesn't look restful at all. The door whispers shut behind them. Kaidan follows behind him and stands a little to the side, waiting.

"So you want back on the Normandy," he says. 

It is a statement, not a question, but Kaidan replies with a "Yeah, more than anything," nonetheless.

"How do I know I can count on you Kaidan?" he says quietly, coldly. "Unfortunately for you, at this point, words aren't going to convince me any more than they convinced you on Horizon, on Mars."

Kaidan opens his mouth, but nothing comes out. What could he say to that?

"You're a damn good soldier. Better than good. As you know, I need people on my team who are better than good. And I need someone with your instincts, your experience, with your skills and resilience. I know you've saved my ass about as many times as I've saved yours over the years. You can make a difference in this fight."

"I think I hear a "but" coming," the Major says, stepping forward towards the window.

Shepard nods. "There's something else I need from people on my team, now more than ever."

Kaidan is listening intently. That was always something the man had been good at, despite his constant doubts.

"Absolute loyalty," he says firmly, finally turning to pin the Major with a hard gaze.  
"The problem, Kaidan, is that you're always with me right up to the point that I make a decision you don't like," he says quietly, crossing his arms. "You don't trust that I have good reason for everything I do. And that's not something that can happen, not anymore, not with this war."

"Let me be perfectly clear when I say this," he says, pausing to make sure the Major makes eye contact with him.

"I have a good reason for every single fucking thing I do." 

So what could be evidence enough?  
Tests of pain or endurance were out - he couldn't afford to weaken the man physically, and even then, marines didn't exactly fail those sorts of tasks often. Anything else would take too much time.  
None of them would get to the heart of the issue. It would take an order Kaidan didn't agree with, one that made him sick to follow, to prove he could be behind him all the way.

_  
The look on Kaidan's face is unexpected. It is one of confusion and rejection. Perhaps a hint of excitement, lust - though that could of course just be his own desires, projected. Shepard cuts the kiss short abruptly, dropping his hands from the Lieutenant's silky hair._

_Kaidan steps back looking upset, the dim light of the captain's cabin casting shadows over the planes of his face._

_"Commander, I…"_

_Shepard frowns. His cock wants him to press the issue. He's certain that he could make things go his way. After all, that was what he specialized in; making the galaxy bend to his will, to accomplish his goals at any cost. He gazes at the lieutenant's soft lips and silky hair. And confused brown eyes._

_Oh yes, he could push things along, get what he wanted. But the kid wasn't ready for something like that. And sending the young lieutenant into whatever they were facing on Ilos with his head screwed on wrong was as good as signing his death warrant._

_"My mistake," he says neutrally. He keeps his face calm and mildly pleasant. "I apologize if I made you uncomfortable."_

_The lieutenant swallows awkwardly, looking embarrassed, looking like he'd like to turn and run._

_So Shepard lets him, with a quiet "Dismissed."  
_

But now, things were so much bigger. He had already sacrificed friends. His heart made indurate by necessity, by years of difficult experiences.  
No longer was he held as some shining hope, a star of humanity. Now he was called upon for what he had really always been. Ruthless, cuthroat, feral. The Butcher of Torfan. The Executioner of Aratoht.  
The admirals knew exactly what weapon they had unleashed on the galaxy; unappeasable, unfeeling, unforgiving, unmerciful, unrelenting.  
Unmatched.  
Undefeated.  
They had no regrets.

Nor did he. And If he fucked up one marine's head? So be it. Millions of people were dying by the day. Nothing was beyond sacrifice at this point. 

He gazes assessingly at the man, scanning cold eyes over his body. The memory from three years prior is electric in his mind. He can think of nothing more effective to test his loyalty.  
It just might work.

"The thing is, Kaidan," Shepard says, his voice low, "I need proof that you can handle this mission."

"What can I do to prove it?" he asks. Kaidan steps closer, looking at him earnestly. "Anything, Shepard," Kaidan says.

Shepard feels an overwhelming urge to laugh, to bellow at the hilarity. The man is still so young, so naïve. He still believes in honor and the pure motives of service. He doesn't fathom the depth of depravity that word inspires in his commander. He does not fathom _war._

"Anything," he says as if to himself.

Kaidan recognizes the slight rolling of his shoulders as one he does before taking a risk, before diving into the field outnumbered and outgunned. He sees the accompanying cold smile and suppresses a shudder.

"I'm going to give you an order, Kaidan," he says, letting his arms dangle loosely at his side. 

Kaidan nods, chest and throat tight with apprehension.

"You're not going to like it," he continues, staring at the vast window that faces past the citadel's arms and into the widow nebula. "But follow it satisfactorily, and you can rejoin my team on the Normandy. Choose not to complete it, and you can walk off my ship for good. No further consequences, but no arguments."

"Understood," Kaidan says, despite the narrowing of his eyes.

Shepard stares out the window. Tiny shuttles whiz by, darting around larger ships coming in to dock. There are old freighters re-outfitted with makeshift weapons. Battle-scarred personnel transports limping into temporary safety. De-mothballed dreadnoughts picking up troops and orders. Desperate times indeed.

"This is your mission," he says, finally turning to look at the other man. Kaidan draws himself up to attention, watching him avidly. Shepard locks his fingers behind his back, coming to parade rest once more. He gazes at the man, drinking in his tension, his apprehension. When the air is thick with the delay, he speaks.

"Get on your knees, and suck my cock, until I cum down your throat," Shepard says, voice flat.

Kaidan stares at him, head ticking a little to the right in a familiar gesture of disbelief.  
"Ah…" he manages, mouth ajar.

"Did I stutter Marine?" Shepard says, eyes cold.

"No sir," comes the automatic response. 

Shepard waits, watching the gears ticking behind the Major's eyes. He sees him flick eyes to the door, then back to him. Down his body, before snapping back up to his face. His tan skin can't disguise the embarrassed flush that burns across his face. His hands clench, then unclench jerkily as he considers his options.

Shepard waits, silent, unmoving, face impassive. He sees him come to a hesitant decision.  
Slowly, the Major sinks to one knee in front of the Commander. There is no tension inside the commander to be relieved at the Major's assent. He is long past caring about collateral damage. The only feeling is one of mild arousal.  
Kaidan's hands lift slightly, then droop, without direction. He looks at the commander's belt buckle, then takes a shuddering breath and looks away.

"Shepard, I…"  
Shepard merely gazes at him with a neutral face and one raised eyebrow.

"I've never done this before," Kaidan admits, looking anywhere but the commander's crotch.

Shepard can't help the small cold smile that tugs at his mouth. The tightening behind his cock is delicious. It seemed the experience was slated to be even more thrilling than expected.

"Figure it out Major," he orders quietly. He make no move to assist the man kneeling at his feet. 

Slowly, hands reach up to touch his belt. They deals with the familiar clasp easily, and moments later the cool ship air hits the hot skin of his dick. No undergarments bar the way between his skin and Kaidan's rough hands.

He is only half hard, but the look on Kaidan's face, of determination mixed with apprehension and embarrassment, is going a long way towards changing that.

His hands, though battle roughened, are gentle as the draw his cock free of the clothing. He pushes at the trousers a little, freeing more space around his sex. Kaidan hesitates, glancing up at the commander, unsure of whether he should move them further. 

"That's fine," Shepard says simply.

Kaidan nods and reaches for his cock, curling his palm around the half-turgid length. He tugs it gently, hesitates, then strokes it with his fingertips. It swells slowly, becoming firm and long in his hand. He pumps his hand up and back, lips pressed tight into a frown, face stony with determination.

"You'll want to take your shirt off," Shepard adds quietly. "Trust me," he says.

Kaidan looks up at him with a frown that speaks volumes, but he does as he's told without hesitation, shucking his shirt off to bare the hard planes of his chest and shoulders. 

He resumes his delicate motions, and this time he brings his free hand up to cup the commander's balls, stroking and rolling them in his palm.

Shepard's impatience is growing more quickly than his pleasure at this point. "Did I order you to give me a hand-job Major?" he asks, voice low and callous.

Kaidan jerks, blanches, "No sir," he says quickly. His face flushes again as Shepard purses his lips into a frown and raises both brows. 

"Aye aye, sir" he mumbles, and raises off his haunches so that his head is level with Shepard's erection. His breath is shaky as it brushes his skin. He opens his mouth and takes the tip of the commander's cock between his soft lips.  
He jolts as his tongue touches the tangy pre-cum leaking from the head. He grimaces slightly, but presses forward, sucking slightly, taking nearly half the length into his mouth before jerking back. His breath is uneven, but he leans in again, taking even more cock into his mouth. 

His head bobs forward awkwardly, lips too dry to slide evenly. His teeth dig in on the underside of Shepard's cock, drawing an annoyed grunt from him. He draws back, but does not give up, relaxing his jaw even further to make room.  
But the Major has indeed become _capable_. It's not long before he's gathered enough spit to wet his lips, and learned to tuck his tongue over his lower teeth. 

When Alenko gags for the first time Shepard shudders in arousal. The marine drops his cock and coughs trying to regain his equilibrium. He smirks down at the man, strokes a hand over his silky hair. Kaidan's shoulders hunch slightly at the intimate touch. He wipes saliva from his lips with a swipe of his hand.

"Keep going," Shepard orders.

Kaidan nods and takes the tip of him into his mouth again, still trying to get his breathing back on track.  
He resumes his slow sucking. Saliva drips from his mouth, smearing down his chin. He moves now at a somewhat steadier pace, darting his head in and out. 

"More," Shepard demands.

Kaidan takes him deeper still, and soon his nose nearly brushes Shepard's abdomen. Though he is attempting to remain inert, Shepard can't help the jerk of his hips to meet his hot wet mouth. Kaidan chokes, saliva splashing back on Shepard's groin, down his chin. He coughs around his cock, but endeavors to continue his stroke. He is moving deep along Shepard's slickened cock, and the commander tips his head back with a deep sigh, leaning into the motion.

"Faster," he growls, curling a hand around Kaidan's head, yanking him forward. Kaidan's eyes are watering as he coughs and gags, saliva dripping onto his chest in a steady stream. Shepard lets his head go in disgust.  
"I've had a better blow-job from a turian," Shepard says bitingly.  
Kaidan winces and redoubles his efforts. But his motions remain awkward and jolting.  
Still, the Major does not give up.  
   
Eventually Shepard fists his hand in Kaidan's hair, tugging his head back. "Enough of this," he growls, taking his cock in his own hand. Kaidan grimaces at the move. His eyes are downcast and his face is blotchy with the shame of failure.  
   
He holds Kaidan's head tight, fingers gripping his hair roughly as he begins his own stroke. His cock is still slick with the Major's saliva, and his fist slides rapidly over his length. He angles his hand just so, increasing the drag along the sensitive underside, rotates his wrist with each pull creating a twisting sensation. His pace ever so steadily accelerates until his hand is flying, hard and fast. Kaidan's eyes are unfathomable as he watches, inches away.  
   
Shepard tips his head down with a groan, hips jerking. The Major knows enough to screw his eyes shut at the sound. Shepard watches as his cum splatters in long thick lines over the Major's face. It's a magnificent sight, white ropes landing in that silky hair, coating those pouty lips. He strokes his way through the orgasm, ensuring every drop lands on Kaidan's flushed skin. It drips off his chin to land with a splatter on the man's bare abdomen.  
   
His smile is cold and dark as he wipes the tip of his cock clean on Kaidan's lips.  
   
He tucks himself back into his clothes and steps back from the Major's kneeling form. Kaidan hangs his head, hands fisted tight on his knees. Shepard can see the telltale bulge in his trousers below his taut abs which shimmer with mixed saliva and semen. The grin that slides on his face is arctic and predatory. It is… tempting, to continue. But he decides the Major has had enough humiliation - for one day, at least.

He waits for a long moment at the man's unsteady breaths as the Major tries to get himself back to some state of equilibrium. Before long, he is wiping cum from his face and tugging his shirt back on with unsteady fingers. He does not meet the Commander's gaze as he stands, but after a deep breath, he straightens his shoulders, musters some pride, and looks over at him.

"Welcome aboard, Major," he says.  
Kaidan's face blanks, confused. "But... I didn't-,"  
Shepard cuts him off with a raised eyebrow.  
"You passed the spirit of the test well enough Alenko," he said, pursing his lips dismissively. "There'll be plenty of time later for you to improve your," he paused, considering his word choice, "technique," he finishes.  
Kaidan stares at him, speechless.  
"Get your gear aboard. We leave in twenty."


	2. Chapter 2

thnk

The shuttle jockeys sideways, causing the men to sway in their jump seats.  
Commander Shepard is gazing at his knee where he is idly tapping the butt of his pistol against the edge of his armor, making a small sound that is nearly lost in the white noise of the atmosphere rushing past.

thnk, thnk

The mission had been highly frustrating. Successful, of course.  
But he'd spent more time arguing with idiotic colonists than dealing with the embedded Cerberus cell he'd been there to take out.

These days his patience was wearing thinner than usual. The molten fire of whatever it was that drove him burned hotter and sharper than ever before, strangling at his throat and clawing at his belly to get out, to rage against the enemy, to crush any opposition. Only his discipline kept things in check. Sometimes, he wondered why he let it.

thnk, thnk

The colony's leader had been lucky the ambush had happened when it did - well, not so lucky, considering he'd been the first to go down as the Cerberus goons had opened fire.

But Shepard had been seriously contemplating blowing his head off as an example. As a means to an end, not of petty anger… but oh how he enjoyed slowly examining his pistol while some moron blathered on, waiting for the idiot to catch on to his train of thought.

He loved how their mouths would snap shut and they would change their tune like pulling a crazy Ivan.  
Or how they sometimes didn't catch on, and the way their brain matter would spatter whoever else was nearby... usually resulting in sycophantic acquiescence from those surviving.

Actually, it is a toss up for which he prefers.  
Shepard smiles bitterly.

thnk, thnk

He wonders how Kaidan would have reacted had he had the chance to pull the maneuver on this colonist. Would he have interrupted, thrown away all his hard work? Shepard looks across the shuttle to the two men across from him.

Vega is out like a marine, head wedged into the gap between strut and harness, arms folded over his rifle. His body rocks with the motion of the shuttle.

Kaidan is sitting elbows on knees, helmet dangling from one fist. He rubs idly at a smear of blood with his thumb, then resumes staring at nothing in the far corner. His dark just-longer-than-regulation hair is brushing just over the edge of his armor at the back of his neck. Tiny rebellions.

Shepard gazes at Kaidan's soft lips, recalls the feel of them on his cock. He sucks in a deep breath, appreciating the way the anticipation burrows deep in his groin, tightening him inside the narrow confines of his armor.

The major has become quite good at the basic blow-job in a relatively brief time, applying his usual dedication and efficiency to this task. Like all his other missions their interactions are tasked and accomplished with minimal fuss. Now each session is very nearly by-the-book. Shepard grimaces, arousal dissipating.  
That is, perhaps, a problem.

thnk

Or perhaps an important indicator of stagnation.  
That things need to progress.

thnk, thnk

Kaidan casts an inscrutable glance his way.  
No, not inscrutable. He's frowning ever so slightly in defiance. His eyes and cheeks tighten in what is perhaps wariness, perhaps shame. He looks away.

thnk, thnk  
That's what he wants to see. Not fear. Not some pathetic cowed subordinate.  
It makes his ultimate surrender all the more thrilling. It is the continued proof of his loyalty, payment towards the debt of trust he owes Shepard for all his years of doubts. He follows his orders, confused, humiliated, angry, but he follows them.

Fuck he wishes there'd been time to put his pistol to that colonist's head, to watch Kaidan's face. To test him. He imagines what the look on his face might have been, feeling his cock swell tighter under his armor. Perhaps dismay? Even horror. Definitely anger, then frustration when he knew he wouldn't be able to stop it. Shame when he realized he wouldn't break his promise in order to try.

To see that look on his face… Shepard scans his brain for what other situations might evoke that response. What could he do that wouldn't interfere with the mission? Those petty conversations were growing fewer as the war progressed.  
What could...  
The tightness becomes almost painful when he imagines it might be the way Kaidan would look if he ordered him to come suck his cock right then and there on the shuttle ride back to the Normandy, with Vega looking on.

thnk

He pauses. so why the fuck not?

click  
He stows his pistol in its harness at his hip. The change in sound draws Kaidan's eyes.

Shepard meets his gaze, holds it as he reaches down to unsnap the clasps holding his pelvic plate in place.

"Here?" Kaidan blurts, incredulous. His lips close quickly, jaw clenched, regretting the vocalization. He casts a glance at Vega's sleeping form with pursed lips.

Shepard merely cocks an eyebrow at him. He tugs the plate free and secures it in the flight webbing beside him. He tugs at the overlap in the thin stretchy under-armor layer they all wore. He slides his cock free, arranges it between his angled thighs, then sits back in his sling. He gazes at Kaidan expectantly.

Kaidan's face is a mask of dismay. He opens his mouth, but hesitates.  
He darts a nervous look over at Vega, but the marine looks wedged in for the haul.  
"Right now?" Kaidan whispers, as though there might be some other reason for Shepard to sit with his dick out on a shuttle ride.

"Yep," Shepard replies, tilting his head left and right to loosen the muscles. "I'm bored, Major. Come suck my cock."  
As always, the crude speech and the subsequent contemplation of the act sends a flush to Kaidan's face. He closes his eyes briefly in humiliation, but he knows the score. Obey or get booted off the Normandy.

He stares at his helmet for a long moment, then at Vega.  
"Damnit," Kaidan mouths, nearly silent in his cursing.  
He stands, gripping the struts next to the jump seats for stability. He tucks his helmet into the webbing of the seat next to his and walks over, running a hand up to the grips to keep his stability in the vibrating shuttle.

He knees between Shepard's spread thighs. He starts to reach a hand out but Shepard bats it away, the clack of gauntlets reminding Kaidan that he is still wearing his. Shepard clearly doesn't want them near his cock.  
He grimaces, curling his hands into fists and resting them on his knees to support his weight as he leans forward. He dips his head low between Shepard's thighs to try and catch the tip of his half-hard cock between his lips. It takes some doing as the shuttle vibrates back and forth. He grunts in frustration, and latches on mid-shaft creating suction with his lips till he can slide his head down to the tip and engulf his length with his mouth.

Shepard sighs in pleasure as Kaidan sucks him deep, rolling his tongue around him. He strokes his hands through Kaidan's hair and the Major glares up at him with a twitch of his shoulders. Shepard knows he hates it when he does that.  
Shepard continues to caress his scalp as his head bobs up and down between his hands, savoring the anger on Kaidan's face.

The occasional jolt of the shuttle is enough to make the otherwise mundane blow-job quite interesting.  
The jerks and shudders knock his dick around, loosening the Major's mouth-hold and smacking it into Kaidan's face and teeth at random moments. Trails of saliva mark Kaidan's cheek where Shepard's cock has got loose from his lips and slapped him. Wind howls outside the shuttle's bulkheads. Kaidan's shoulder armor is wedged uncomfortably in the supple gap on the inside of his knee-plate.

Despite the discomfort, these imperfections make it all the more exciting. Shepard is pleased as Kaidan bends his head to the task with his characteristic dedication, managing to keep his mouth wrapped around Shepard through most of the turbulence.

But the game changer comes when one lateral toss of the ship nearly sends Kaidan sprawling. The armor plates on his knees rattle over the deck grating as he skids sideways, fisted hands unprepared to grab onto anything. He slams down off his knees, his hip hitting the deck hard as he slides. Only the Commander's hands' immediate reflexive clamp on his head and shoulder keeps him from slipping as the shuttle bucks.

It also has the unexpected effect of jamming his cock full length into the Major's throat.  
Shepard's grip pins him there, nose bruising against his armor as they ride the rolling wave of the gaping turbulence. He tosses his head back with a groan as Kaidan struggles against him.

The sudden roughness of the ride and the muffled sounds has Vega cracking an eye open.  
Then both eyes, wide.  
He does not move a muscle as he takes in the scene before him.  
Shepard notices, but ignores him, grinning coldly down at his lap.

Kaidan writhes under his grip, eyes wide as his body rejects the invasion, hands scrabbling for purchase as the shuttle suddenly tilts back level. There is not even room for him to cough, Shepard's cock is so deep in his throat. He tries to jerk his head free. Shepard groans, holding him tight, fingers digging into the back of Kaidan's skull.  
The strangled muffled noises Kaidan is making…  
His cock feels like it might explode the way Kaidan is twisting in panic, throat muscles heaving and crushing, trying to eject him.

Kaidan smacks his palm against Shepard's thigh, like some idiot recruit tapping out in hand-to-hand training. Shepard's eyes narrow and he kicks the Major's ribs with his heel for his foolishness, tightening his grip with a jerk. They are nothing if not light-years beyond drills and practice. There is no space left for mercy in this galaxy.

The look on Vega's face is growing apprehensive. As much as a stone wall can look apprehensive. But Vega, for all his usual immature banter, is wise enough to stay dead silent.

Kaidan makes another strangled sound and reaches up to clamp his armored hands around Shepard's wrists.  
He strains against him, biotics flickering in and gone in a second as he yanks them free of his head, heedless of the strands of hair being torn from his scalp.  
Freed, he jerks his head back with a guttural sound, gasping for breath.

The furious and reproachful look in his eyes says he wants to be cursing up a storm, but he is clearly too busy stifling his instinct to dissolve into a coughing fit. Shepard's erection sways with the motion of the shuttle, inches from his spit-smeared lips.  
Kaidan gets his breathing under control and swallows, clears his throat. He doesn't release the grip he has on Shepard's wrists or turn away his face.

"Damnit, Shepard," he grinds out, voice raw and low. Kaidan slams his arms down, pinning them back, pointedly, mouth a tight line, lips compressed.  
Shepard merely looks back at him with one raised eyebrow, unfazed, throbbing cock jutting up between them, harder than ever.

He heaves a fast breath through his nose, holding Shepard's gaze a moment more before thrusting his head forward and swallowing the Commander's throbbing cock deep again. Shepard lets out a pleased grunt. Kaidan's head is moving fast, slipping over his cock, tongue dancing on the underside of his shaft.

As he sucks hard, bobbing his head with renewed vigor, Kaidan tilts his head and looks up at Shepard with defiant caramel eyes, daring him to comment on the ferocity with which he swallows him down.  
Here is your proof Commander the look shouts.  
The grin Shepard sends him is feral. Kaidan turns his gaze to his task and goes at his cock like a man possessed, as though in compensation for his crushing grip on Shepard's wrists.

Vega hasn't looked away, though the apprehension has left his eyes. Now he merely watches, face completely expressionless, eyes riveted. Though he attempts to remain motionless, Shepard catches the tell-tale uncomfortable shifting of his hips, the slight involuntary movement of his throat as he swallows, tongue darting out and moistening the inside edge of his lips.

He considers alerting Kaidan to the fact that he has a voyeur, just to see the hot red flush of embarrassment flood his golden skin. But the risk of losing this delicious unexpected vehemence outweighs the reward.

Because damned if Kaidan's mouth isn't plunging hard and fast over him, taking him deeper than usual.  
Shepard relaxes his head back into the launch seat's padding. He closes his eyes, letting the sensation wash over him, relishing the contrast of his bared cock and armored bodies, the roar of the shuttle's motions. The naively futile stifling of murmurs from the Major's throat, the illicit scrutiny of the Lieutenant. It is a rush to which no blow-job in his memory can compare. The fire in his core is acid, burning through his veins.

Kaidan does not relinquish his grip on Shepard's arms even as the commander groans, climax exploding from him with a telltale jerk of his hips. His armor grinds against the struts framing his seat as he rides the orgasm, arms straining against the Major's powerful grip.

Kaidan sucks down every last drop of cum in a practiced move, then lets the commander's cock fall from his lips with a wet sound, slapping against the plate on his thigh.

He seems to come back to himself when Shepard lets out a pleased sigh. He glances up at the Commander, eyes filled with disgust, shame, releasing his arms with a flinch as though burned.

Shepard returns his gaze with expressionless features, perhaps the merest hint of a smirk touching his lips.

Kaidan grimaces. He swipes his wrist across his mouth, wiping away the gloss of saliva. His task completed, he stands and lets Shepard tuck himself away.

When he turns, Vega is staring at him, mouth ajar. Shepard nearly laughs as Kaidan goes ram-rod straight, hands falling to his side, and Vega jerks his head away to stare at the bulkhead on the far side of the shuttle.

Kaidan freezes only a moment before crossing the gap back to his seat. With military precision he turns, sliding into the straps and securing his helmet in a firm grip once more. He closes his eyes painfully and turns his face away.

Shepard decides on a marine-style nap.

 

Kaidan is the last to disembark. He remains in his seat, staring at his helmet even as Cortez passes by, sending him a friendly frown. The man hesitates, as if to speak, but changes his mind and moves on. When he finally stands, Shepard is long gone. Taking a deep breath, he pulls himself upright and marches quick-time out of the shuttle and towards the elevator. He doesn't look at Cortez, who is watching him carefully from the tool bench near the nose of his shuttle. He does not look over at Vega who is racking his helmet in the lockers on the far side of the bay.  
He taps the console, standing rigid, waiting for the elevator to arrive.

He nearly escapes.

Just as the door chirps, the Lieutenant seems to muster his courage and turns.

"Hey Major," Vega calls after him, leaning his shotgun back over his shoulder and walking up behind him. "So is this something we do after missions now? Cuz I wouldn't mind-,"

The biotic glow that surrounds the Major is sudden and bright as he whirls and slams a fist into the other marine's face. There is an audible crack as the Major's plated glowing fist connects with his nose. Vega jerks back, shotgun falling from his shoulder, surprise making him too slow to react when Kaidan grabs him by the rim of his armored neck, dragging him around and slamming him back against the wall. Kaidan's helmet clatters to the ground, rolling away, forgotten.

"What?"  
He slams him back again, punctuating the word.  
"What is it you wouldn't mind, Lieutenant?," Kaidan demands, voice low and throaty, face raw.

Vega's face shuts down instantly into a neutral marine's mask.  
"Nothing, sir," Vega says quickly, voice carefully flat, "Nothing."

"Because if you think-," his voice chokes off in a low hiss as he struggles with self-control.

Kaidan jerks back, disgusted with himself, letting the blue glow fade. He shakes his head. "Sorry, Lieutenant, I…"

"Sorry," he repeats and swipes a frustrated hand over his face as he turns away, disappearing into the waiting maw of the elevator.

 

James just stands there for a long moment after the doors whoosh closed, blood dripping from his nose. He swipes a hand at it, looks at the red smearing his fingers as though surprised.

"They're all loco," he mutters. As Cortez comes into his field of vision, he straightens, easing away from the wall. He doesn't really want to talk to his friend who had clearly been party to the whole scene.

"So Vega," Cortez begins, picking up Kaidan's discarded helmet, "You were gonna offer to do him the favor?"

"Shit, Esteban, you are a nosy fuck," Vega says scowling defensively. He does not speak up to deny it though, and turns to pick up his shotgun from where it lay, knocked aside by the punch.

"Damn straight Mister Vega," he says with a half-assed grin, studying the damage to Vega's face with concern. He relaxes when he comes to the conclusion that the damage is minimal.  
"Anyway, be glad you didn't," Steve says, tossing him a spare polishing cloth to clean his dripping nose. "I'd hate to have to clean up the bloody mess he'd make if he realized you were offering for him and not the other way around."

Vega turns an inquisitive glare on him, pressing the cloth to his upper lip.

"Look, it's a nice offer," he continues. "Really, it is."

Vega looks away, embarrassed.

"But the Major… he's not…" Steve sighs. "It's just a bad idea," he says, offering James a knowing and sympathetic smile.  
"Trust me. I've been at this a lot longer than you."

Vega shrugs defensively, laying his shotgun down on the weapon bench with a clatter. "Yeah whatever."

Cortez holds up his hands in surrender and turns back to his workstation to begin the requisite post-flight checks.  
Vega casts one last glance at the elevator before sighing and heading back to his corner.  
Maybe a few rounds with his punching bag would do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some of you have expressed concern about consent and wanted some behind-the-scenes. So;  
> Some notes on consent:
> 
> Apologies for not noting this more clearly in the intro.
> 
> In my head this mostly falls under the category of "It's Complicated" as any situation usually is between characters with this much history. It's also a little hard to say exactly because different readers differ in what their brains allow them to be comfortable calling dub-con versus non-con.  
> Because strictly speaking, because he's using the sexual favors as leverage with a heck of a lot of power/authority (and the occasional man-handling during an act), it does fall into the category of very dubious or non-consensual.
> 
> Bottom line though is that Kaidan always has the choice. In fact, it's a key theme to each part. It's not a fair choice (because hey, who the fuck ever said the universe was fair?), but it's a choice nonetheless.
> 
> if you are already sure you want to read part 3 when it goes up later today, you may or may not want to read the rest below. The following commentary is explanation for those readers who are not sure whether they would like to continue reading due to that whole "it's complicated" thing and want more behind-the-scenes details.
> 
> So, does Kaidan like it? Sure, Kaidan's aroused by it, to varying degrees of cognitive dissonance. Reading back on Pt. 2 I wish I'd made that a bit more clear, though the confines of the situation made it difficult. In my head, that confusion over his own arousal is more than half the reason Kaidan's so pissed at the end (and exactly why Cortez says what he does).  
> As far as Kaidan's orientation, in my headcannon I think of him as someone who is bisexual, though perhaps not very sexually experienced because he's a giant romantic and been too busy saving the galaxy.  
> As a dynamic character, it's not always clear whether he enjoys it because of a deeply-buried strain of masochism etc., or is merely aroused because sexual behavior is stimulating the body, and I think him not knowing the answer to that is part of the story. Not to get all technical (A!A watches too much Law & Order), but experiencing sexual pleasure during a sexual act does not really have much bearing on consent, but it can sure as heck confuse the person trying to figure out their own level of consent. That's part of why things are unclear in the story.  
> His arousal will have more prominence in the next part, but that arousal may not play out the way you would like (especially what I have planned for part 4 if I ever get around to it).
> 
> For the anon who asked, I would assume in the future rape would be considered rape, regardless of genders and orientations as it ought to be. And as far as other witnesses go… they probably fall into one of two categories: 1) Not enough info to make an informed decision so leaving it be. 2) Pretty sure they know what's up, but the galaxy is falling the fuck apart, and Shepard's the only thing holding them together, so if there are willing sacrifices that must be made (however difficult), so be it.


	3. Chapter 3

The clanks and rattles in the shuttle bay are loud from the groan of equipment as the Kodiak is lifted for post-flight checks, the sounds of Vega and Kaidan clacking open clasps on bits of armor. Their movements are rough, tired. Gear is stowed with less care than usual. Smears of blue and red and occasionally purple merc blood are spreading onto various surfaces as they come into contact with the battle-worn equipment.

"Major-," Shepard begins, stowing his rifle in an armory locker.  
"Yeah," Kaidan interrupts. "I'll be up in 10, Commander," he anticipates bitterly. He's tired. It's been a long mission, but he knows that he's not done for the day. He still has one more mission to accomplish.

Shepard smiles at this, the glint of hellfire in his eyes making the expression anything but warm.  
Ah. The Commander is pleased.

Kaidan looks away, fighting to keep his face neutral as he stows his rifle in his locker.

"Make it 30. I need to call the Admiral with an update first," Shepard says, voice brusque as he latches his locker and turns to go. He pauses, turns to look at the major with narrowed eyes and a slight curve of the lip.  
"As much as I appreciate your eagerness," Shepard says. "Relax a little. Have a shower."  
Kaidan knows that it is not kindness.  
It is an order.

Still, he'll take what he can get.  
But he frowns. It is a deviation from their pattern. By now he has become accustomed to stripping down to his BDUs, stowing his gear, and heading straight up to the commander's cabin. No stops for showers or food. If he's fast in stowing his things, and the Commander is otherwise engaged, there is perhaps enough time to stop in the lounge and toss back a shot or three of Whiskey to loosen the dry dusty residue of battle from his throat.

Then, still slick with sweat, grimy and exhausted, he is ordered to the Commander's cabin.  
To improve his technique.

Cortez frowns gently at him, taking his helmet from him to begin cleaning up the gear that they are stripping off.  
As the Commander makes for the elevator, blood red armor moving like a second skin, Vega eyes the major with an unreadable expression. Kaidan looks away with a grimace.

There are no secrets on the Normandy. Never have been.

It's just…

He hates the blush that crosses his face.

The marine knows better than to comment. Kaidan doesn't have the bulk of the other man, but over the years he has certainly built enough muscle that a punch to the face hurts - even a stone block like Vega - of which fact the marine is well and personally aware.

But they all knew why the Major went up to Shepard's quarters after most missions, why he came down looking like thunder, occasionally bearing a suspiciously clean face, jarringly mismatched with the spotted and clinging shirt of his BDUs. They knew why he went straight for the showers.

But god, he hoped no one would ever know that when he showered, after, he jerked off, head bent, face pressed against the cold metal divider as the hot water flooded over him, drowning in humiliated pleasure.

His gear stashed and a change of clothes selected, Kaidan makes his way to the elevator.  
Vega doesn't join him, though the man clearly also needs to bathe. The mission had been an unrelenting race through dusty rubble and clouds of ash-thick smoke. The combat had been close-quarters and vicious. Blood spatter and blowback coated their armor, their hands and faces, making a hell of a mess as they stowed it. They were all dirtier than a varren out of a fighting pit off Tuchanka.

No, he was at least left to shower in peace. Neither of them needed the embarrassment. It only takes a few moments to reach the crew showers and it is thankfully empty. As he strips off his dirty combat clothes he curses under his breath.  
He sets the timer on his Omni-tool for thirteen minutes. That leaves two to get dressed, and ten to be early to Shepard's quarters.

Because when makes sure he is ready and waiting, the Commander is Pleased.  
And when the Commander is Pleased, things go more… smoothly for him.

He hates that Vega knows. He hates the way his cock is already growing hard before he's even managed to strip off his underwear. He climbs into the shower, slamming the control a bit harder than necessary.

He blames the lingering battle-born adrenaline rush for both.

He scrubs slowly, methodically, making sure to eat up the ten minutes getting clean. He ignores the tentative hardening of his cock and tries to keep his mind steady and silent. Despite it all, the warm clean water is a welcome sensation after the choking atmosphere of the burned-out bunker. It feels good to get clean.  
When his omni-tool beeps, he steps out of the shower and sloughs leftover water from his skin and hair with rough strokes.  
He avoids looking at himself in the mirror as he dresses.

He is proud enough that he does not hide from the glances of the crew. They might know, but they still draw themselves to attention when they pass in the halls, still nod to him with respect.

He does not let his head drop as he passes crew in the lounge and pours himself three fingers of whiskey.  
He stands at a rigid parade rest as he tips it down his throat.

 

The commander's cabin is empty, and pristine. The bed's linens are folded with precise corners that would make any drill instructor proud. The only deviation is the arsenal of weapons laid out on Shepard's desk, each in varying states of dismemberment. He can smell the cleaning fluid and faint metallic scent of charred residue. The fish tank is empty, never having had any occupants. The door is never locked.

Kaidan strips off his shirt, tosses it over the edge of the chair near the stairs.

He sits on the edge of the bed and leans his elbows on his knees, hands folded in front of him.  
He waits.

Nothing could keep him from anticipating the act that is to come, the hot sweaty arousal permeating the room, overwhelming him. The slick fullness of his throat as he swallows the cock of the most powerful man in the galaxy.  
Resisting thinking about the tension in his groin, about the way his mouth waters. Fighting the tiny hypotheticals, the curiosity in the back of his mind that begs more and further.  
It is the hardest part.

 

Shepard walks in, still in dirt-streaked armor at three minutes shy of the half hour. He walks straight down to where Kaidan is sitting, smiles coldly at him. He runs a gauntleted hand through Kaidan's damp hair. As always, Kaidan's shoulders twitch slightly at this imposition.

"Ready?" Shepard asks, easing into his habitual parade-rest.

"Yes Commander," Kaidan says, though he thinks it's painfully obvious that he is, sitting bare-chested and scrubbed clean on the Commander's bed.

"Then get to it, Marine," Shepard orders, face impassive.

He rises to stand before Shepard, meeting him with defiant eyes before he kneels at his feet, reaching out with deft fingers to find the small clasps and latches of his boots and leg armor. Shepard watches him with inscrutable eyes and a small smirk as the Major steadily divests him of his gear.

When he is carrying the blood-smeared chest-plate over to Shepard's locker, the commander makes a small sound for his attention.

Kaidan turns, sees the commander taking off his own gauntlet and tossing it at him. He fumbles to catch it, letting the chest-plate fall against his body. The gauntlet does not fall, and the commander tosses him the other one, smiling coolly.

Kaidan purses his lips and stows the remainder of the armor, and returns to Shepard to divest him of his sweat-streaked under-armor bodysuit. He quickly slips his hands under the shirt in a now-familiar motion, tugs it over his head and tosses it in the laundry receptacle. He makes quick work of the trouser portion as well.  
As always, the commander wears no undergarments. His face is still smudged with ash and he smells of blood and sweat. His cock hangs half-hard in anticipation.

"Such a shame," the commander says quietly, eyes passing over Kaidan's chest. "After you showered and everything."

Kaidan glances down and realizes his freshly-cleaned chest is smeared with drying blood and soot. Shepard reaches out and touches his chest, dragging fingertips through the blue and red mess of Blue-Suns blood, groping him with a calloused hand.

"You'll need to get cleaned up," Shepard says abruptly.

Kaidan hesitates, then steps past him, reaching for his shirt. "I'll be back shortly, Commander."

Shepard laughs. It is a chilling sound.

"No need, Major. Use mine," he says. It is unmistakably a command.

Kaidan freezes, sets down the foot he had raised to take the steps up to the door.  
The pattern is being stretched to breaking. By now he ought to have a mouthful of cock and be halfway done with it. The change of pace is unsettling.  
Somehow he had been able to compartmentalize the oral sex, to keep lower half, his secret arousal, separate.  
But now… he looks at the cloth in his hand, down at the trousers latched firmly about his waist.

Words echo in his mind;  
I have a good reason for every single fucking thing I do.

"Don't you trust me, Kaidan?" Shepard asks quietly, voice dangerously soft.

It is a harsh reminder of his own words, his promise;  
I need you to know that I'll never doubt you again.

Kaidan puffs in frustration, scrubbing a hand over his hair.  
"Damnit, Shepard, that's not it and you know it," he says, voice rough. He wraps a hand around the metal railing. Grips it hard. Then he tosses his shirt back down on the chair.

Shepard watches him with narrowed eyes.  
"You're too tense, Kaidan. Just take your shower, ease your... tension."

Kaidan's eyes narrow at his last turn of phrase.  
"Commander?" he asks reluctantly.

"Jerk off," Shepard clarifies, voice blunt. "I know for a fact that it's your preferred venue,"

The shame burns like fire across his cheeks, in his ears. How could he have been stupid enough to think…

There are no secrets on the Normandy.  
Never have been.

"No," Kaidan says abruptly, stepping back. He shakes his head slightly, "No, I-,"

Shepard sighs. A look of disappointment crosses his face and he turns to march past Kaidan and up the stairs into his office, heedless of his nudity. He taps on his personal terminal and sits in his chair, no longer interested in watching Kaidan and his reactions.  
"Very well. We'll be passing by the Citadel after our next mission. You can remain on board till then."

Kaidan scrubs a rough hand over his face. The deep breath he takes does nothing to ease the panicked tightening in his chest.  
He can't fail.  
He can't leave the Normandy, the eye of the hurricane that is Shepard.  
The mission must come first. No matter the cost.

"Commander," he begins.

Shepard turns a raised brow on him, eyes a hard amber. The rage that always simmers below the Commander's surface is growing close to erupting. His face holds a razor sharpness to it that fairly screams his ultimatum in Kaidan's head.  
"...follow it satisfactorily, and you can rejoin my team on the Normandy. Choose not to complete it, and you can walk off my ship for good. No further consequences, but no arguments."

No arguments.  
Kaidan thinks fast. The situation is precarious, his choice of words important. The crushing anxiety of the wrong choice is swelling up from his lungs. He can't let himself fail.

"That's not what I meant to say," he manages.

Shepard purses his lips. For a long moment he studies Kaidan's flushed face and tight expression.  
Eventually, he turns to close his terminal with a sharp gesture.

"I see."

He swivels in his chair and looks pointedly at the door to the shower. "As you were, Major," he adds expectantly.

Kaidan steps forward, determined. The door slides open automatically, and he heads straight for the shower stall. The thrumming sound of the Normandy's passage through space is the only sound accompanying the tap of his boots. His knees feel tight, his hands shaking.

Shepard steps forward behind him to lean against the doorway, effectively jamming the door open. He crosses his arms across his bare chest and settles in, watches the major with unreadable amber eyes.

Kaidan hesitates only briefly before he doffs his trousers and boots, leaving them in a neat stack under the counter. He does his best to ignore the needle sharp feeling of Shepard's gaze on his groin, then trailing over his legs and bared ass as he turns to step into the shower's square.

Quickly he palms the shower toggle. There is the hiss and gurgle of water in the wall, and then it erupts from the heads, pouring down over him. He stands there, letting water flow down onto his chest. The smear of blood and dust is quickly washed away, but he knows that is far from the point of the exercise. His fisted hands curl against the walls of the corner unit.

"Relax," Shepard says quietly.

The word has the opposite effect of its overt intent. Kaidan's shoulders hunch as he ducks his head into the spray, screwing his eyes shut tight as he tries to calm himself down. His heart is pounding, beating against the tightness in his chest. He tilts his head back to let the water run along his throat, cascading over his groin. Letting the heat of the water caress his flaccid cock.

No, not flaccid.

Fuck.

He's already more than half hard and he hasn't even touched himself yet.

The whole humiliating spectacle… it's …  
Well, something he doesn't admit to himself, even when he masturbates in the shower after their sessions.  
He reaches down with shaky fingers to stroke himself.

Shepard is silent, but he can feel him standing a few feet away. Naked, watching him, drinking in the novelty of his fully exposed body. The hairs on the back of his neck are tingling, the little muscles in his lower abdomen tightening at the feeling. He strokes a fitful hand over the curves and dips of his chest and abs, swirling fingers over pebbling nipples and lower over soft dark hair.  
His hand clenches convulsively over his cock, tugging its swelling length out in the spray. He clears his throat trying to loosen the tightness in his chest.

He begins to move his hand, steadily back and forth, falling more easily into old habits. He splays his free hand over the cool metal wall, leaning into himself, into the hot water. Slow waves of pleasure pulse through him as he strokes himself, chin tucked down, deep breaths moving his chest.

"Good," Shepard murmurs, stepping forward and letting the door slide shut behind him. He stands, just inside Kaidan's peripheral vision. Motionless, impassive, playing havoc with his tension. The commander's presence virtually pins him in the corner, caging him in.  
Kaidan's shoulders curl in, involuntarily defensive, his anxiety, his arousal level escalating. His breath huffs in uneven pants. It's overwhelming, the power of the commander's presence.  
His cock is growing harder, and he pulls in long wrist-rolling strokes, back arched, hips tilted forward.

"Ungh," Kaidan groans through gritted teeth, dropping his forehead to the wall. He can't seem to breathe, but the frustration is making his strokes even harder and faster.

"Yes," Shepard murmurs, moving closer. He is standing just off Kaidan's shoulder, watching the major's hand stroking and tugging back and forth. He is close enough now that water occasionally splashes him leaving wet trails down his skin. Kaidan can feel the commander's hot breath on his shoulder. It is electric, jolting through his skin and straight to his groin.

"Harder," Shepard orders, reaching up to stroke his fingers through Kaidan's water-soaked hair. He pushes firmly until Kaidan's face is pressed against the cold metal wall beneath the faucets. Obediently Kaidan's hand is jerking hard and unevenly over his cock, rough and fast. His eyes are screwed firmly closed against the water, against the world around him. Water floods his face, waterfalls over his mouth as he gasps for breath.

"Yes, that's it," Shepard murmurs, moving behind him and wrapping hard fingers around Kaidan's hip, pressing his body closer but not enough to touch. Water splashes over Kaidan's shoulders and onto Shepard's chest as he leans in, heat is radiating off his body. Kaidan's breath is coming hard and fast, the muscles of his back working to keep pace with his hand. Shepard tips his head in, his lips hovering near Kaidan's ear, water sluicing over both their heads.

"Cum for me Kaidan," he arrogates, stroking his hand up the Major's ribs, dragging blunt fingernails across his perfectly rounded and hardened pink nipple.

Kaidan chokes on a groan, gasps through the water cascading down his face, hips jerking forward. His cum splatters in thick bursts on the metal wall of the shower and is immediately washed away. The waves of exploding pleasure that roll through his body are not so quick to disperse. The orgasm is intensely powerful, leaving him gasping for air, limbs shaking where he braces against the walls of the shower.  
Shepard drops his hands and backs away, leaving Kaidan to catch his breath.  
Kaidan looks stunned, shell-shocked.

Shepard smiles coolly.  
"Whenever you're ready," he says, voice quiet, "we can begin."  
Silently he moves out of the shower and back into his cabin.

 

Kaidan swipes the water away from his face, frustrated. It seems his humiliation is not yet complete.  
Resolute, he shakes off the droplets and follows the Commander.  
Shepard is standing facing his bed, arms hanging loosely at his sides. Trails of water run the length of his body, drip off his fingertips. The powerful muscles in his hips and thighs are taut as he stands, waiting.  
With a deep breath, Kaidan walks over and inserts himself between the commander and the bed.

He glances down at Shepard's hard cock, begins to kneel.  
"No," Shepard says. He slides a hand up his neck, gripping the hair at the back of his head, tugging him upright to stand before him. Kaidan's eyes are unfathomable.  
Shepard smiles at him.  
"You've well-proven that you are getting very good at sucking my cock, major, he says, stroking Kaidan's head, his neck, tracing the spread of reddened blushing skin.  
"Your dedication is superior."  
The heat from the shower has make his skin even more responsive, letting the blushing crawl over his throat and chest.  
"I think perhaps it's time to move on to the next stage in your demonstration of loyalty."

I have a good reason for every single fucking thing I do.

I need you to know that I'll never doubt you again.

 

Kaidan's jaw is clenched, but he does not make any move to resist whatever is coming.  
Shepard tightens his grip. Holding him steady by his hair, Shepard's mouth closes over Kaidan's, his muscled arm sliding around his waist and gripping the Major to his chest.

Kaidan's fists are clenched tight, hanging ineffectually at his side.  
Shepard digs his teeth into Kaidan's lower lip, tongue pressing at the seam. The commander's hand slides lower, splays over his ass, pulling him tightly against him. His erection slides up against Kaidan's spent cock causing the Major to jerk involuntarily. He dips his forefinger between Kaidan's cheeks to press firmly against his puckered opening.

Kaidan jerks away from him, stumbling against the bed, falling into its cushion. His face is turning hotly red as he scrambles upright. His fists clench, then fall to his thighs as he sags back, submitting.

"Why are you doing this to me?" Kaidan says, voice low with frustration.  
Shepard leans back, gazes blandly at him. He continues stroking Kaidan's neck, kneading the muscle there.

"You still don't get it, do you?"

Kaidan has no reply. He just shakes his head slightly, staring up at him.

"I wish you could have seen yourself today," Shepard says, a faint smile crossing his lips. "Out there on the battlefield."

"You tore through those Blue-Suns like a man possessed. Such fire," he murmurs, eyes lit with the dim red glow of cybernetics.  
Abruptly he reaches up and clamp both hands on either side of Kaidan's head, jerking him forward.

"Did you think I didn't see how you took them," he says, shaking him once hard.  
"How you slammed their heads-," He shoves Kaidan down onto the bed, face-first, flowing forward and bridging himself over Kaidan's sprawled form. "- into walls and floors and corners?"  
Kaidan jerks, shoving at his chest, eyes wide now with consternation. Shepard does not budge, pressing his naked body closer to Kaidan's, leaning down so that his face is near.

"How you crushed them with your biotics, overand over,," he says, punctuating the words with slams of Kaidan's head into the soft white bed, "and over again until their brains splattered the walls!" he says, releasing Kaidan's skull, but remaining bent over him, a cage of force and gleaming red darkness.  
The look on his face is of bloodlust and battle-glory.  
Slowly it fades into an expression of arousal. His hands stroke over Kaidan's body, gripping muscle and teasing skin. Kaidan grunts beneath him, breath coming uneven and shallow as the commander's hands find sensitive and mirific places.

"Their blood on your hands, your face," he says, stroking splayed fingers over Kaidan's jaw.

"That is why I do this," he says.

Gripping Kaidan's hip with bruising fingers he turns him so his ass is bared to him. He strokes the firm flesh under his hands, kneads it. He slips his hand between Kaidan's thighs, stroking the sensitive skin behind his dick, spreading his ass, touching him everywhere. Kaidan can feel his breath on his exposed skin.

Suddenly he cracks his palm down over the exposed flesh, the sound echoing off the metal walls of the cabin, eliciting a startled hiss from Kaidan. Then, with a grunt of irritation, Shepard shoves the major bodily further up on the bed. Kaidan sprawls forward, rights himself to stare at the commander.

His erection is jutting out hard and throbbing from his pelvis, his fists are clenched, muscles taut and vascular.  
"This," he rumbles. He rolls his shoulders, takes a shuddering breath. The light in his eyes seems to actually glow.

Shepard turns and strides for the nightstand by the bed, yanks the drawer open violently. Kaidan watches as he grabs a bottle of clear gel, tosses it at him.

"Get yourself ready," he orders with a growl.

Kaidan stares at the bottle, disconcerted.

"Don't waste time," Shepard adds, nostrils flaring.

Kaidan knows that tone. It's the same voice that Shepard uses when he is seconds away from blowing off some idiot's head for getting in his way. He realizes doesn't have time to stop to think, to weigh his fears against each other, to test the bounds of his curiosity, his needs. He needs to act if he's to keep things from going very badly.

He cracks the tube open with alacrity and squeezes some onto his fingers. He rises to his knees and reaches back, sliding his fingers between his ass cheeks. His face is on fire as he rubs the lubricant over his opening, presses a slickened finger inside himself to spread the gel. Shepard groans softly at the sight, coming to kneel behind him on the bed.  
Kaidan smears more lubricant into himself, making sure there is enough... though he's not really sure what enough feels like. He drops the lube beside his leg, and after a moment's hesitation, leans forward onto his hands and knees.

Shepard drags rough hands up Kaidan's thighs, grips tight fistfuls of his ass. He strokes his thumbs over his slickened hole, presses them inwards. A low sound murmurs from Kaidan's throat. Shepard slides his fingers deeper spreading them apart and rotating his hands. The responding sound Kaidan makes can only be interpreted as one of unexpected pleasure.  
Abruptly, he releases him, rising up off his haunches. Shepard positions his throbbing cock at Kaidan's ass, pressing the tip against him so he can clearly feel it. Then, to the major's surprise, he does not move.

After a moment, Kaidan turns a questioning gaze over his shoulder. The look on Shepard's face is one of almost pain, eyes narrowed, cybernetics glowing through his eyes, the spider-web cracks on his jaw.

"Whenever you're ready," Shepard says, voice rough and dark.

Kaidan comes to the plunging realization that it is to be his decision to impale himself on Shepard's cock.  
He takes a deep shuddering breath, head hanging down between taut arms.  
Slowly, he leans back, letting his hips sink towards Shepard's. The pressure against his sphincter grows elevated, and he tries desperately to relax his muscles.  
He is breathing sharp little puffs as he pushes Shepard's cock past the ring of muscle and into the tight confines of his ass. The progress is slow and difficult, almost painful when his body tightens in reflex at each breath.

Suddenly, he feels opened and slick, and his hips slide all the way back. Shepard's erection is fully subsumed in him, the backs of his thighs pressing against the tops of the commander's.  
Shepard's hands come up to grip his hips, locking them deeply together. He hears the deep breath the commander sucks in, the slight moan as he breaths out.

Slowly, Shepard leans up, his weight pressing forward, shifting Kaidan's weight back up onto his hands. He drags hard fingers over Kaidan's back, leans down and slides his tongue over an escaped droplet of water. He presses his face into the hollow between Kaidan's shoulder blades.

Holding him steady with the grip on his hips, Shepard draws back slowly, then slides forward.  
Kaidan cannot help the moan that slips from him at the sensation.  
The motion is repeated, and again. Kaidan drops his head, relaxes slowly into the motion. The rigid tension in his shoulders begins to ease.

The Commander drives forward hard. Draws back slow, slams home again. He begins a steady pace, driving into Kaidan with measured strokes. Kaidan spreads his knees, tilting his hips slightly to receive the commander's forceful movements.  
But just as he begins to adapt, the commander changes the play. He shifts the angle of his hips, his cock thrusting at divergent slants into Kaidan's slickened hole, drawing grunts of mixed pain and pleasure from the major. His assault grow faster, rougher, setting a bruising pace. The slap of skin echoes through the cabin.

With a groan he reaches up with one hand and fists his fingers in Kaidan's hair, tugging his head up and forcing an arch to his spine as he pounds his cock into him. The choked moans coming from Kaidan's throat only spur him on, slamming deep with punishing thrusts.

"Shepard," he manages to groan.

The commander cries out as he seizes up, slamming deep and jerking Kaidan's body tight under him. His cock pulses, shooting his load deep inside the major. He groans into the supple skin of Kaidan's back, breathing in short bursts, savoring the orgasm.  
Satisfied, he slips back, stepping off the bed.  
Kaidan sinks down on the mattress, turning to look at the commander.  
But without a word he is already turning and making his way towards the shower. He walks in, tosses Kaidan's boots and pants out and lets the door close behind him. Water can be heard moments later.  
He knows that he is dismissed.

Kaidan catches his breath, glances down at his own half-hardened length and closes his eyes briefly, bitterly.  
Sliding off the bed he collects his clothing and makes for the elevator.

It is a long and lonely ride down to quarters.


	4. Chapter 4

The commander and the major march from the open door of the Kodiak almost in unison.  
The lieutenants are not far behind, but they are definitely not in sync with the others.

"Hey, what's going on?" Cortez asks Vega.  
Shepard and Alenko start stripping down, stowing gear. Shepard is looking calm as he stacks grenades in the bin and racks spare thermal clips, though his gaze is narrow when it passes over Vega, then Kaidan.

Kaidan's face is stony, jaw clenched tight as he snaps open the seals and catches of his armor, yanks them off his body. The shield interface on his back armor is a charred hulk of twisted polymers. He winces and lets out a ragged and painful sound as he draws it off. A reddened heat welt can be seen peeking out of the neck of his bodysuit. A sprawling starburst pattern of eroded and melted fabric is visible on his back and arms. He steels his features and breathes through the pain.

"What the hell happened down there?" Cortez demands in a low voice, grabbing James' forearm as they walk over to the lockers.

The younger marine sends him a stubborn look and shrugs off his hand, marching heavily to the armory. He joins the others in freeing himself of the armored plates on his chest and legs, piling up the arsenal of weapons that clipped to the body armor next to him as he stows his gear.

There is no banter. The clacks and rattles of gear make the lack of the traditional post-mission chatter sharply conspicuous.

When Kaidan's gear is stowed, he pauses, taking deep angry breaths. Eventually he turns to look at Vega, eyes boring holes into his back.  
"Lieutenant, a word?" Kaidan says, voice low and icy. It is rough, almost hoarse.

Vega slams his rifle into his locker with far more force than is necessary and stands there, hands gripping on either side of the locker. His muscles bunch visibly under the remaining plates on his arms and black under-armor bodysuit.  
Shepard says nothing, closing his locker with a dark and slightly pleased smile. He considers them a moment, then turns and walks to the elevator.

Cortez is hovering nearby, looking extremely concerned as he watches the major move stiffly to stand beside James, glaring at him with tense heat. He frowned in apprehension at the young marine, his friend.  
They look like two cornered varren getting ready to go for each other's throats. Or mount each other in a desperate mating frenzy. Either way, things were not good.  
Not good at all.

"Mister Cortez, I'm sure you could use a shower and a hot meal after such a long flight," Kaidan says tightly, not taking his eyes off a glaring Vega.  
It is clearly an order.

Cortez hesitates, glancing between them. But he then sighs, head ticking back in dismayed defeat. He shakes his head, casts another glance at Vega. A frown at Kaidan.  
"Aye-aye, Sir," he says, voice tight with reproach and turns away towards the lift. He steps on after a disinterested Shepard and looks back at the tableau with pursed lips as the doors draw closed.

When the shuttle bay is empty of witnesses, silence reigns. The ambient sound of the mass-effect field vibrates, the low hum of Normandy's systems over top it. The occasional click of metal and the hiss and grind of hydraulics and gears echo. It makes the tension between them seem nearly palpable.  
Vega's breathing is fast and deep, muscles tight as he glares into the pit of his locker.

"Lieutenant," Kaidan says, inflection cutting. "What the fuck were you thinking?" His voice is low and hoarse as though rubbed raw.

"Speaking freely, sir?" James replies, voice taut. He is still gripping the frame of the locker as if he might be able to crush the opening between his hands.

The major responds with a curt nod.

"It was complete bullshit, sir," he grinds out, glaring up him. He shoves back forcefully from his locker, snapping at the catches on his shoulder guards and gauntlets. He chucks them into the waiting locker with careless force.

"Like hell," comes the response. Kaidan moves in, striking the edge of the row of lockers with the heel of his hand, glaring at the other man. "You follow orders, Lieutenant. Shepard's orders and my orders."

Vega laughs briefly in bitter dismay. "Orders that get you killed?" he shoots back, stepping into close proximity to glower at Kaidan.  
Close. Too close.  
"What kind of-," he makes a small frustrated sound in his throat and abruptly turns, bending down to snap his shotgun up off the ground.

"I know you and Shepard go way back on the crazy train and all, but I'm not some fresh recruit." He strides away, carrying his damaged shotgun to his little corner of the shuttle bay. "That shit just didn't make sense today and you know it," he calls over his shoulder.

"You were on that door so you could get in there as soon as Shepard disabled the security."  
"Pretty basic stuff, Lieutenant; following orders," the major says, voice raised and rolling in tightly taunting and arrogant tones as he follows Vega. James tosses the shotgun onto his workbench and turns to glare at him as he nears.

Kaidan strides close, hand raised and gesturing in a sharp slash, saying "I needed you to get that data downloaded while I kept Cerberus from sabotaging the servers. Makes perfect sense to me."

"Yeah, major. Ok. Because sitting there listening to you screaming like you're fucking dying is just business as usual," James replies, flicking his hands up insolently, voice thick with biting sarcasm and smothered emotion as he turns away. He shrugs his shoulders twice quick as though shaking off the memory of Kaidan's hoarse cries, tips his head down and starts stripping down the weapon with mechanical motions that ripple the curves of muscle under his shirt.

"Yeah, it is, lieutenant," Kaidan counters, grabbing his shoulder and yanking him back around to face him. "That's exactly what we do," he says sharply, punctuating the word by jabbing a finger into James's shoulder, hard.

Instantly, almost reflexively, James steps forward until they are toe to toe, glaring at him. "No. Not like that. Not… " He trails off with a wince, shaking his head with a frustrated set to his jaw.

Kaidan's eyes are glaring back into his, hard and unrelenting, breath coming fast and sharp through his nose. He studies James's face, his throat going tight. Up close his eyes are softer than expected, his lips pouting ever so slightly with his jaw set in pique. His hands itch to … something. He's not sure. Anger over the whole thing rises up in him again.  
"What do you think this is, Vega, teen scouts club?" he snaps derisively -absurdly, considering the battle-scarred, powerful, tough young man in front of him.

Vega stiffens, angry at the implication. "Shit," he mutters under his breath, fighting to keep his emotion in check.  
"Well I'm sorry if I'm not callous enough to leave my team-mate behind for a bad order."

"It was all going to plan, till you decided to disobey orders," Kaidan says, narrows his eyes in response.

Vega leans back and crosses his arms, but he doesn't give any ground. "To plan, no? So what do you think would have happened if I hadn't disobeyed?" he says with a little insolent rocking of his head, jaw forward.

Flashes cross Kaidan's mind, unbidden; of the unexpected blast of the rocket at his back as he tried to bring up his barrier to block the Atlas slamming down its arm in front of him. Of every nerve in his body screaming as the capacitor in his shields exploded inside his barrier, blowing into a feedback-loop hurricane of electricity and draining biotic energy. Of realizing that the discordant screaming sound he hears is his own voice.  
Of crawling nervelessly through debris desperately trying to get behind cover. Of gasping, hoarse, wrecked for breath as he tries to muster enough biotic power to shield himself from the scattered bullets.

"Major, you're one hell of a soldier, but I don't think even Shepard could have taken on those bastards alone," Vega is saying, with a defiant shrugging of his crossed arms.

"It was his order," Kaidan said, voice reflecting the ringing cold feeling in his head. "And I agreed with him."

"That's my point! You're both being completely loco," James shouts, punctuating his words with sharp gestures of his hands.  
"He wouldn't have given me the order if he thought it would jeopardize the mission," Kaidan counters, fists clenching.  
"Shepard knows my limits."

Vega's eyes narrow at that, and suddenly there are unspoken words hanging between them. Dots connected in parallel.

"He's testing them to breaking, more like," James alleges, voice low, soft.

He's close, and Kaidan can smell the musky scent of his sweat and heat. He feels the sudden powerful urge to lean in and press his nose to Vega's neck below his ear where the arcs of his tattoo begin, to drag in a scenting breath.

But those meanings between the lines. They aren't just talking about the mission any more.  
Anger and shame wash over him. Kaidan jerks back, throws up his own hands in frustration, turning away and crossing his arms, looking out over the shuttle bay.  
"That doesn't change the fact that I gave you an order - repeatedly - which you disobeyed," he says sharply.

"Ok, you're pissed. But you really expected me to sit on my ass waiting while you took on an entire squad of Cerberus - complete with a fucking Atlas - by yourself? Major, it's not like it was going to take more than a few extra minutes for me to double back."

"That data on the reapers was vital and you know it," Kaidan declares with a darted glare.

"More vital than your life? Really. And you know that how?" he says with an insolent wave of his arm.  
"You know, I bet we wouldn't have been able to save more of it no matter what I did. Hell, I bet it turns out we don't even need it. Seen that before," he said bitterly, eyes dark.  
"And you'd have thrown your life away for a few minutes. Just a few minutes… ugh," he scrubbing his hands over his hair in a rough gesture and turning away. He paces a step away, then pivots, moving closer again.  
"Dios, it wasn't worth it," he says, "Or this," he adds, lifting a hand to gesture at Kaidan's hunched back.

"I'm fine," Kaidan repeats firmly, turning his head to look at Vega in emphasis.

"Bull, major. I can see the fucking burns myself," James snaps, stepping closer to Kaidan, looking him up and down sharply and glaring at him with injured eyes. "That was beyond close. So yeah. I call bullshit."

"I should string you up for insubordination," Kaidan says, turning to face him. "I need you to follow my orders. How the hell can I believe you have my back if you don't follow orders? How can I trust you on any mission?" he demands.

James looks stunned at this accusation. "I do," James insisted, "I will, I just -,"

"Just the ones you like? That's not how it works, Lieutenant - or have you forgotten what it means to be a marine?" Kaidan says viciously, shoving at his shoulders with a sharp push.

"Go to hell, Sir," James snarls back.

And that does it. Kaidan clamps hands on thick shoulders and drives him back the few paces till he slams against the stacked crates, knocking aside the round canisters that were sitting near the wall. He slams him back again, chests nearly touching as Vega's head smacks against the crate with a short crack, tags clacking.  
Kaidan freezes, as if suddenly realizing he doesn't understand what he's doing. He's too close to throw a punch, and the way Vega's looking at him... god, it's shooting straight to his core. Vega doesn't shove him back, and he doesn't release his close grip on his shoulders. His heart is pounding like an engine core on overload, breath sharp.

Vega's gaze darts down to his mouth. His tongue whets his lips, breath coming fast through his nose. With no more warning than that, James tips his head forward, pressing his soft moistened lips to Kaidan's. It is like a bolt of electricity has shot through him when their lips touch.

Kaidan jerks back, his head ticking left as he looks at Vega, dazed.

James, looking embarrassed, opens his mouth to speak. But he doesn't get a word out before Kaidan is kissing him back hard, pressing him bodily back against the wall. Kaidan moans into James's mouth as the lieutenant's tongue meets his with an explosion of chemistry, tingling as they meet each other's taste.

It feels so unbelievably right.

They grind their bodies together, hands streaking over long planes of muscle under the skintight materials of their bodysuits. Then his hands are slipping up under the fabric on James's chest, splaying over the ridges of muscle and warm skin. The kiss has become almost bruising as their two powerful jaws work against each other, pressing them closer and deeper into each other. Kaidan's hands stroke further up his chest, bunching the material up. When his fingers splay over his tightening nipples, drawing a sound from low in his throat, James drops the hands that had been creeping up onto Kaidan's ass to the hem of his shirt. He only breaks the kiss to yank the material over his head and discard it.

They are both breathing hard, staring at each other, inches apart. Kaidan's face begins to flush in embarrassment as he glances at their location, plastered as they are against the center-facing crate.  
Though they are alone in the shuttle bay, they are still in plain sight of anyone coming down the elevator or overlooking the bay from engineering.

Following his train of thought, James slides around the corner of the crate and into his work area with a murmured, "Come here." He reaches up to tug Kaidan with him but forgets the hidden welts on the back of the major's arm, causing him to cry out through gritted teeth.

"Shit,"

"It's fine," Kaidan replies quickly.

"Kaidan, maybe you should-,"

"Did you not hear me Lieutenant? I said it's fine," he repeats firmly, stepping closer, dragging blunt fingernails over taut ribs.  
The anxiety that had crossed Vega's face flees, heat nipping at its heels. James dips his head forward to catch Kaidan's mouth again. They explore each other's mouths with alternating fierce and languid strokes of tongue and lips. James slides slowly questing hands up along the major's backside, gripping his thighs, his ass, kneading him with broad hands through the elastic material of his leggings. Kaidan makes a low pleased sound and pulls back.

"Sit," the major orders, with a shove.  
James falls back looking up at him. Excitement, nerves flicker in his eyes.  
Hesitantly he reaches out, touching Kaidan's thighs, stroking up the chorded muscle to touch his hips, thumbs stroking slowly down along the taut dip of muscle that darted down from his hips. Kaidan's hands clench convulsively on his shoulders. James's hands pause. The Major's lips are compressed into a thin line, his eyes are incommunicable. He runs a hand up Vega's neck, through his hair.

He pushes back on Vega's shoulders, urging him to lean away against the stacked crates. He acquiesces, hands falling from the Major's hips. Kaidan kneels, gripping James's knees and pushing them even further apart as he comes between them. He touches softly at the inside edge of his knees, then gradually stroke inward.

"Are you sure you don't want m-," he starts to say, voice breathy.

"Stow it, Lieutenant," Kaidan orders, voice hard.

As ordered, James's mouth closes and he gazes down at him, a flicker of uncertainty crossing his eyes.  
It fades as Kaidan's broad hands stroke up over his quads and brush teasingly over his groin before slipping around his hips.  
Kaidan does what he had wanted to do earlier, leans in and pushes his face up under Vega's jaw, drawing in a deep breath. He flicks his tongue out to trace the edge of his throat, running his hands over the planes of his chest.  
He glides his tongue lower down the cleft of James's pecs, reveling in the way the younger marine's breath hitches.  
Through layers of fabric he can feel the expanded bulge of James's cock against his abs as he presses against him again, nuzzling his throat.

James's hands come up reflexively, wrapping hard over his back to press him close.  
The world goes white. Kaidan cries out in intense pain, forehead smearing against James's solar plexus, sagging down to get away from the pressure while going rigid in agony, fingers digging hard into James's waist. James snaps his arms away in consternation.

"Oh fuck!" Kaidan pants against his chest, dumbstruck with the pain.

"Damnit major you need to go see Chakwas," James says angrily. He sits up, slides off his seat till he is kneeling on the deck against Kaidan's chest and reaching behind him to tug at the black bodysuit before Kaidan can recover himself to react. He lifts it gently but swiftly to get a look at the skin of the Major's back.

"Qué chingados?" he growls, brows knit together in anger. "Fucking pendejos."

The glimpse he gets shows a mass of red welts and bruising. Kaidan jerks back, wresting his shirt from James's hands and pulling it back down around his waist. James clenches his hands ineffectually.

"It's not that bad," Kaidan says determinedly. "Just caught me by surprise."

"Like hell," James says, jerking to his feet, "I'm taking you to Chakwas. Now."

"Oh sit down," Kaidan orders, indignant, leaning back onto his haunches. "I'm a lot tougher than you think. And we're busy right now," Kaidan adds, looking pointedly at the bulge in James's leggings.

"Much as I am fucking dying to see where this is going," he replies, nostrils flaring, as he pauses, takes a second, measured, breath, "you need the Doc."

"No, I don't," Kaidan states, voice going low and stubborn. "What I need, is for you to sit down. So sit the hell down," he adds in clipped tones, "And that's an order, Lieutenant."

James stares down at him. Fuming. Aroused. Worried.

Kaidan stares back. The residual pain is making him feel sharp and angry. The whole mess is just boiling under his skin.

"Unless today is just the day you've decided to completely give up on your oaths," Kaidan said, reminding him of his earlier and more contentious insubordination. "Is it, Marine?"

Vega winces. It's a nasty thing to say to another soldier.

But Kaidan is his superior officer, and he's already seriously fucked up the whole "obey orders" part of the oath already that day.

Man up and take the hit, soldier.  
He shakes his head briefly. "No sir."

Yeah, maybe he hadn't been wrong, maybe both of them know that. But he'd still disobeyed a direct order, and that was a real problem for a pair of soldiers. Though the rest of it was getting complicated fast, those were the facts.

And damned if the Major isn't kneeling there, all taut muscle and hot eyes, looking like a trip to the med-bay is far from important and his immediate plans primarily involve getting into his pants.

"Now I don't know about you, but I am really starting to hate these," Kaidan says, gripping a fistful of the stretchy black material.

"Tell me about it, sir," he replies.

They both reach for his waistband simultaneously, dragging the cloth over his hips in a tangle of broad hands. Kaidan pulls them the rest of the way down and James lifts each of his bare feet in turn until the barrier is now just a pool of black on the deck.

Kaidan pushes him back and he lowers back onto the crate, knees falling open at the major's behest. He leans back against the crate so that his erection is standing upright between them. Kaidan's eyes dip to it. Slowly he lifts a hand from James's knee to feather light fingers over his cock, exploring it. He tilts his head in, licks his lips. James watches him, mouth slightly ajar in anticipation.

Kaidan turns his head to press his lips against the inside of Vega's thigh. James groans, expectation thwarted. The major pulls back his lips and takes a nibbling bite on the sensitive skin. He trails a slow line of kisses and nips ever closer to James's cock. Vega's breath is hissing in excitement. Kaidan arches his back, pressing his chest into James's splayed thighs, advancing his fingers up the muscles under his ribs. Slipping his elbows down over the tops of his thighs, he pushes closer until they touch the bench, till his head is arching over James's erection, dangling just an inch away.

"Oh please," he whispers.

When Kaidan's mouth closes over him for the first time, he curses.  
His hands start to lift up to get handful of golden skin but he remembers, curls them into fists. Slipping his hands down to the lip of the surface he's sitting on, he purposely wraps his fingers around it.

Kaidan is giving his full attention to James's erection, swirling his tongue around in the pre-cum at its tip, then wrapping his lips around him and sinking slowly down… and down… and down.

"Oh dios… better than I imagined," James proclaims under his breath, head resting against the crate behind him.

After a moment, Kaidan lifts his mouth off of James's cock, looks up at him. A slow smile crosses his face. He smirks up at Vega.  
"So... you imagined this?" he states, brow arched as he strokes his hand slowly up and down the lieutenant's cock.

James looks at him, dismayed. "Shit. I said that out loud."

"Lieutenant?" Kaidan asks imperiously, eyes hot, grin teasing.

"Uh. Yeah. Sir," he says awkwardly, looking away.

"Me? Or someone else?" he inquires softly, pressing his lips to the dip of the glans. Slowly he strokes his tongue against the sensitive spot.

"You," he says, voice tight.

Kaidan flicks his eyes up to meet his gaze then, and with aching slowness, drags his open lips down the underside Vega's cock, his eyelids heavy as though savoring the sweet taste of his skin.

The sound James makes is very nearly akin to one of pain.

"Tell me your fantasy," Kaidan murmurs, stroking up again with his tongue, swirling fingertips around his shaft.

"Oh hell, major," he blurts, embarrassed.

"Tell me, Lieutenant. That's an order," he says, turning narrowed eyes up at him, fingers stilling.

"Okay," he says, "Shit, okay. But please… don't stop, sir," he pleads, voice low.  
Kaidan strokes his hand slowly up and down again, brows raised in anticipation.  
"So?"

"It's a lot like this," Vega continues, hesitates, looking away. Kaidan wraps his mouth around the head of his cock, sucking gently. James moans, clears his throat to continue. "Yeah, out here in the bay. Just us. And-," he inhales rapidly.

"You, on your knees, mouth on me. Sucking me deep,"

Kaidan relaxes his jaw and tilts his head down, taking as much of Vega's thick cock into his throat as he could manage in one swoop.

"Oh fuck," he gasps, head rocking back, "like that, just like that."  
He tips his head down to watch the major envelop him.

Kaidan looks up at him with expectant eyes as he slips his head up and back down again, taking even more into his mouth. James is gripping the edges of the ledge on which he sits, broad hands taut, knuckles flexing out in rigid bumps as he braces down.

"And then… I just, hh-," he heaves a breath, another, "nhh... I," he pauses, tipping his head back with a groan when Kaidan begins working his tongue side to side inside his mouth as his head slides down and back.

"When I cum, I cum all over your face... a-," he pauses, heaving a tight breath through his nose.  
The hesitation is miniscule, but the major catches it.

"And?" he demands, voice low, replacing his mouth with his hand, pumping slow. Then slower when Vega hesitates, and eventually stalling altogether, hand fisted around the base of his cock.

James looks down at him, desperately. For the first time, Kaidan sees a blush spreading across his cheeks. God it hits him like a punch to the gut. His cock is straining fiercely against the material of his leggings.

"Say it," he orders, lips pulled back, hovering as he tilts his head, moves his chin up, stroking without touching, separate by mere millimeters, worshipful, taunting, holding the lieutenant hostage by his arousal.

James tips his head back on a desperate breath, looks back down again at Kaidan with his fist floating around his cock, mouth just out of reach, then looks back up as if in prayer as his chest heaves. He can practically see the blood rushing through the man's throat, the way his skin has grown taut and vascular.

"And then I'd lick it off," he manages screwing his eyes shut briefly, face hotly red.  
"Fuck. I'd just - lick your face clean" he groans, "a-and kiss you, so I can taste you taste me," he delivers with a rush of throttled breath.

Kaidan plunges his mouth down over him, savoring the way his body jolts forward, the way the tight flush of embarrassment gives way to wanton moans.

He sucks hard and fast, putting every ounce of his skill into sucking James's cock, reveling in the spasmodic jerks of Vega's thighs, the way his fists clench beside him. He rolls his tongue, twists his mouth, angles his head, in every little trick and technique he has learned. James is mumbling a string of spanish profanity, abs shuddering. Kaidan is savoring every second of it, of the look on his face, and the slick broad cock in his mouth.  
When he thinks the lieutenant is getting near his climax, he slips his head back till his erection touches only his lower lip, moving both hands in to replace his mouth with powerful coordinated strokes. Vega turns burning eyes on him, locking on to his molten caramel eyes over flushed cheeks and open mouth.

"Come on lieutenant," Kaidan demands, voice hot and breathy, "cum for me,"

His hands are shifting fast, twisting and rolling as he pumps the lieutenant's cock. James's chest his heaving with rapid gasping breaths. Kaidan's tongue stays glued to his glans, flicking back and forth as the motion of his hand slaps his cock against his lips. He does not turn his gaze from James's.

"Oh fuck," James moans, panting, a hand coming up to splay across the side of Kaidan's head, connecting them in his fervid grip. James is staring down, eyes riveted to his face, cheeks red as his fantasy is about to played out in front of him. The knuckles on the hand clutching the ledge beside him are white.

"Cum on my face," Kaidan commands. "Do it now lieutenant!"

"Oh dios, oh shit, I'm-," he gasps, "I'm cumming, fuck I-," he cries, head thrown back with a guttural keening moan.

Kaidan flicks his eyes shut. James's cock spasms in the major's hand, pulsing as his cum erupts from the tip. Kaidan can feel the hot fluid splash over his cheek, the bridge of his nose, his lips. He opens his eyes to meet Vega's wasted gaze, his body shaking as the orgasm finishes its course.

"Do it," Kaidan orders, voice breathless, gripping his bicep with iron fingers, pulling him up.

James makes a deep inarticulate sound, gasping for breath as the hand in Kaidan's hair slips down to cup his jaw, tugging him up closer. He flows forward, slipping to his knees and pressing his body to Kaidan's. His other hand fists in his hair, drawing their faces into close proximity. His breath is hot on Kaidan's skin as he dips his tongue forward to roll over his cheekbone. He sweeps his tongue up, dragging cum into his mouth. The low moan he makes as he slips his tongue out again to spiral over the cum on the major's nose has Kaidan shuddering.

His eyes are heavy with detonated desire as he touches his tongue to the edge of Kaidan's open mouth, stroking with aching slowness along the border of his lip. His head is clasped in unbreakably firm bonds, locking him tight, immobile. James slips his tongue down the curve of his lip into Kaidan's mouth, lips hovering millimeters away from touching.  
Their tongues touch.  
They taste each other. Taste James's cum together, on each other.  
Kaidan hears the low mewling sound of his strangled need escape his throat as James touches his lips down over his. The lieutenant kisses him, loosening his hold on his head and exchanging languid strokes of the tongue. After a long moment, he breaks the kiss, breath still getting caught.  
"Holy fuck," he murmurs, shaking his head in amazement.  
Then he grins, looking up to meet Kaidan's gaze with bright eyes.  
"Orders sir?" he asks, sitting back and reaching a hand down to cup the painfully erect length of Kaidan's cock through his leggings. "Anything you say," he whispers, leaning close, pressing a kiss to Kaidan's jaw.

But the words are jarring.

Anything

It is a word that has haunted him of late.  
He falls back, rolling away, drawing to his feet sharply.

James's expression slides from anticipatory to confused.

"I…" Kaidan says, throat tightening as he looks down at his kneeling subordinate, naked, flushed.

Waiting for his command. Panic explodes in his chest.

And then he is striding away, past the discarded shirt, the scattered cannisters, towards the elevator. He reaches out to hit the pad but the doors are already opening.

On the other side of them is a determined looking Cortez, his fists clenched. His surprised gaze scans over Kaidan, relaxing slightly - perhaps the first thing noticed is the lack of bruises or blood.  
But to his humiliation he sees the lieutenant tense again even further as he notices Kaidan's flushed face, the tightness at his crotch. The shame on his face. He scans past him, eyes perhaps lighting on Vega if he had moved in to range. His face is a warzone of expressions.

Kaidan side-steps him and gets into the elevator. He turns to hit the panel and Steve is still standing in the doorway.  
The look Cortez gives him is layered with many things. Confusion. Protective fury. Disappointment. A faint hint of sympathy.

"What are you playing at here Major?" Cortez murmurs, voice low and thick with complex emotion.

Kaidan just shakes his head. His throat is too tight to speak, even if he had anything to say.

Steve steps back and lets the doors slide closed.

The elevator starts to rise, taking him to the crew deck, but Kaidan smacks his hand back down on the panel, hitting the stop.

Steve's words reverberated in his mind.

He hadn't hurt him, had he?  
He hadn't been visibly upset. But… then why was he running?

The look on Steve's face, protective, angry, disgusted, drags at him, jabbing accusing sensations into his chest.

what have I done?

He starts pacing back and forth in the confines of the metal box, rubbing rough hands over his face.  
Ordering the lieutenant around like that... It was an indefensible abuse of authority.

He didn't think he had hurt him, but everything was so twisted up. He didn't know

But he knew he wasn't free of damage himself, and he chose it with Shepard.

And this... The memory of James staring at him, desperate, blushing, flashes to his mind like the knifing pulse of an L2 migraine. He can't make it leave.

The hardness in his groin is unbearable.

what have I become?

Had he hurt him?  
Had he?  
The question turns his stomach. His breathing comes fast and uneven.

Kaidan punches the wall of the elevator.

The pain of slamming his fist into the metal wall full force is like a grounding shock. He sags against his bruised fist, pressing his face against the cool metal. His breath heaves in gulps, eyes screwed shut against the burn behind them. He fights the panic that tries to overwhelm him as he sinks to the deck, shoulder pressed against the wall. The welt on the back of his arm screams in pain, and yet is simultaneously soothed by the cold metal.

He jolts when EDI's voice comes through the walls.  
"Major Alenko, are you in need of assistance?"

"I'm fine," he responds, voice raw and low.

"Should I contact commander Shepard?" she asks, almost hesitant. "My observations of your behavior suggest he is the person with whom you are closest."

Voyeuristic bitch.

"Back off, EDI," he snaps.  
The AI falls silent, but his thoughts do not.

Shepard.  
Oh yes. Shepard.  
It's all Shepard's fault.

Reaching up he grabs the lip on the wall, his bare foot skittering across the smooth deck as he shoves himself upright. He hits the console again. The elevator lurches up towards the captain's cabin.

The confines of the metal room are slowly growing lighter with the blue-purple glow of biotics. 

 

Shepard's door is never locked.

He is sitting in the low chair at the coffee table when Kaidan strides into the cabin, wreathed in biotic energy.

EDI's voice chimes through the cabin, "Commander Shepard, my sensors -,"

"Not now EDI," Shepard interrupts. "No further interruptions."  
His eyes narrow, and he tosses his data-pad onto the table.

"It's time, is it?" he says inexplicably, rising slowly to his feet. He watches, gauging the threat level with impenetrable eyes.

Kaidan does not slow or respond, he merely surges on, fist glowing with biotic power as darts down the steps and hurls it forward into Shepard's face.

The commander takes the hit, rocks back, but says nothing. The corner of his lip splits over his canine, blood begins to well up, on the seam of his mouth.

Slowly, he grins, the feral expression creeping its way into his eyes.

Kaidan shouts inarticulately as biotics flash over his fist again and he strikes him again, harder. Shepard stumbles against the chair, falls, rolling sideways and back to his feet out of the way of the next blow. He darts up a jab to Kaidan's jaw, snapping his head to the side.  
It is to be followed by a hammer-fist to the temple, but Kaidan counters faster than he expects, slamming the side of his wrist into his throat.

Choking on a cough, Shepard dodges below the next strike; a double-fisted uppercut. He slams a fist into Kaidan's floating rib, darting behind him to pin his body close. Kaidan cries out in pain as his injured back slaps against Shepard's hard chest. The commander snakes a hand over Kaidan's belly, plastering his hips against him with a pleased snarl.

Kaidan slams an elbow back into his chest, knocking him loose with a grunt. He whirls and swings another punch, but this time Shepard blocks with his forearm, sliding in close so their torsos bruise together, locking up Kaidan's legs with his own. He grabs a handful of Kaidan's ass, grinding his growing bulge against the hardness that already exists beneath Kaidan's bodysuit, eyes glowing bright and hot. Anger is starting to give way to rage on Kaidan's face.

"Come on, you'll have to-,"

But his mocking rejoinder is cut short by a sudden shockwave of biotic energy slamming into him. He is lifted bodily into the air and slammed back against the glass of the fish-tank, head cracking against it audibly.

He lands in a crouch, shakes his head with a snap and lunges, full charge into Kaidan. They twist and fall back over the coffee table with an explosive crash as the glass pane shatters.

Kaidan hurls himself over Shepard, rearing back as he straddles him and driving a glowing fist home into his cheek. The cracking of bone over the crackle of grinding shards of glass reports sharply into the room.

Shepard actually grunts in pain this time.

But even as his head was slammed back, Shepard was snaking deft hands under the top of Kaidan's bodysuit, and in a masterful maneuver had the stretchy fabric yanked up over the major's face, tangling his arms around his head in a makeshift arm-bar. With a rough yank and twist of an entwined leg the major tumbled sideways, hitting the foot of the sofa with a thump.

A gutted moan bursts from him as his contused back comes into contact with the hard surface, slammed into it by Shepard's additional bodyweight as Shepard follows him over with a vicious knee to the ribs. He mewls as he fights to breathe against the flash of pain. While Kaidan is stunned the commander rolls back, jerking back to his feet, taking the black fabric with him. He tosses the material onto the couch and grimaces, turning to look at his arm. He yanks a long shard of glass from his skin, stepping away from the shattered glass.

Pained but not defeated, Kaidan writhes onto his bared chest, stumbling to his feet with more determination than grace. Glowing energy surrounds him and he throws out a hand with a roar, sending a wave of indigo force at the commander. Shepard dives into a roll, tiny bloody shards of glass clattering to the floor as they fall from his back. He lunges forward but Kaidan is ready for him this time, and the bolt of biotic energy hurls him with an explosion of bass sound, flipping him over the bed and into the nightstand, sending it flying. The lamp flashes in a jolt of light as it is crushed under his weight.

Shepard groans, sliding sideways on one arm, uncoordinated as he moves, dazed, trying to stand.  
His hands push through the scattered contents of his night-stand, reaching for the edge of the uprighted furniture to lever himself up.  
But he is too slow.

Kaidan stalks over, grips Shepard by the fabric of his shirt, pulling him up onto his knees. The torn garment gives way in his hands, coming off in blood-streaked tatters.

Shepard laughs, deprecating yet shaky. Dizzily he reaches up a hand to brazenly cup Kaidan's crotch.

Kaidan snarls and slams a back-handed fist into his temple. Shepard rolls against the bed frame. Kaidan switches to a grip on Shepard's throat, dragging him further onto the bed. With a pop of biotic energy he topples the commander onto the mattress. Kaidan grunts in surprised pain at the effort, pressing a hand to his ribs where the commander's blows had landed. He stands there, scrutinizing the sprawled form of the commander, heart pounding, blood rushing in his ears.

Shepard gives his head a small shake, his eyes growing less unfocused.

He trails a hand over his abdomen, then snaps open the belt at his waist, turning narrowed eyes up at Kaidan. He tugs the fabric aside, pulls out his half-erect cock.

"Whenever you're ready, major," he manages.

Kaidan's nostrils flare as he stares down at him, body taut with wound up potential energy.  
"No," Kaidan replies, voice low, "I'm done taking your orders. Now you're going to take one of mine."

"Hah," Shepard manages.

With an inarticulate sound, Kaidan reaches down. He grabs Shepard's hip, dragging him over till he lay sprawled on his chest. Gripping a fistful of cloth he yanks the fabric of the commander's trousers over his hips, pulling them free of his body.

He pulls the clinging fabric of his bodysuit leggings over his hips and onto the floor. Sinking to his knees on the mattress, he crawls up over Shepard's body. He nudges the commander's thighs apart with his own, reaches up to touch the taut muscle beneath him. He rocks his body forward, grinding his throbbing erection against Shepard's ass.

The dry friction elicits a moan from Shepard. Kaidan sucks in a breath, tipping his head down and strokes again, the confrication radiating up through his skin.

Shepard struggles a moment to free the arm that was pinned under him, and jerks it to the side to dangle off the edge of the bed, turning his head to face it. He points faintly.

Kaidan follows his gaze to the scattered contents of the nightstand, eyes lighting upon the cracked bottle of lube, leaking its contents onto the deck.

"You'll need that," Shepard says, voice rough and finally cracking with loss of discipline, "for when I fuck your pretty little ass."  
Kaidan does not reply. Anger swells in him. He grabs one side of Shepard's ass, spreading him beneath him. He gathers saliva in his mouth and spits on his skin, spreading his spit over his puckered opening with his thumb. He pushes that thumb into Shepard's tight hole and the commander groans. He jabs his thumb deeper, feeling a strange pleasure at the surprised grunt that comes from the man pinned beneath him.

Kaidan gathers more moisture in his mouth and spits it onto his free hand, swiping it over his throbbing cock for good measure. He rocks his head back and sucks in an icy breath as he touches his erection. It is still painfully hard, all the insane events of the day shuddering through his body like river rapids, tearing at him, rushing through him.

With no more preamble, he sets the tip of his aching member at Shepard's ass and begins pressing it forward. There is no gentleness or patience in the way inexorably he inches himself deeper against the tight muscles inside the commander. He sinks home with a groan, the insufficient lubrication tugging at the sensitive skin. Shepard hisses in pain as Kaidan pulls back and slams home.  
He tries to lever a knee under himself, but Kaidan plants a foot on the inside of his joint, pressing it down painfully into the bed as he plows deeper into Shepard. Kaidan is too sensitized for this to last long. His hips drive forward and back in an uneven kit. But he gets a pace going, throat tight as he breaths through a cracked rib. Shepard struggles against him again and Kaidan reaches forward to grip the other man's muscled wrist and pin it to the bed. Shepard is strong, but Kaidan has biotics, and the energies glowing around his hands keep the commander trapped beneath him.

Before long Kaidan realizes Shepard is grinding his hips back against him, making soft filthy sounds into the white coverlet where his face is pressed. Kaidan groans at the sight. Shepard's ass has grown slick with sweat and Kaidan's spit and pre-cum, and soon Kaidan is pumping into him at a ripping speed.

"Kaidan," Shepard hisses into the fabric, moaning. Kaidan lets his wrist loose as he switches to brace himself against Shepard's blood-streaked ribs, the other hand pressing his face further into the bed. Kaidan groans, cock slamming into him with unnecessary vehemence.  
"Kaidan," he gasps, hand clutching at the bed.

With a low, gutted cry, the major slams his hips home against Shepard's and arches his spine, head thrown back as he erupts inside Shepard, legs tangled with the commander's as he bucks against him.

He is breathing hard as he sits back, dragging his legs free and releasing his grip on the Commander's body.

Exhaustion hits him like a deadfall, and he stumbles back. He can't even begin to sort through the emotions he experiences as he looks at the bruised and blood-smeared body of Commander Shepard.

And then he realizes Shepard is laughing, a low rough sound.

Kaidan slips back from the bed, shaking his head in dismay.

Shepard merely rolls onto his back, spreading his limbs out in the soft white bedding. Smears of blood pepper the coverlet. His erection is painfully hard, jutting up from his hips. He smiles, closing his eyes.  
The bruises forming on his cheek, brow, are lit from within by the glowing cybernetics.

"God. What the hell is wrong with you Shepard?" he demands, chest heaving.

For a long moment it seems that Shepard is not going to answer. He lays there, spread-eagle, sucking in deep slow breaths.  
"Why do you think I brought you back on board, Kaidan?" he asks quietly.

"I don't know, Shepard. I really don't," he murmurs.

"Did you think I brought you on so I could have a pet? A hot mouth, a piece of ass?" he snorts derisively, "Like I'd need to waste you on something that easily come by. Getting to cum all over your face though, a definite perk."

Kaidan glares at him. He no longer blushes at Shepard's blunt words.

"And do you really think I needed another member of my team?" he says, sitting up onto his elbows, shaking his head.  
"If you haven't noticed, anyone with a modicum of talent, loyalty, and right-place-right-time makes it on board."

Kaidan purses his lips, begins yanking his leggings back on with sharp motions. He stares at the foot of the bed, shoulders taut, fingers clenching then splaying ineffectually.  
"Then why? Why not just say no - why not tell me to take Hackett's offer?" he demands, shifting his weight back to look up at Shepard.  
"What happened to you? I used to think you were so…" he started, then shook his head, lips pressing into a thin line. "It doesn't matter. We're done Shepard," he says.

"You know what words I've come to hate?" Shepard replies as if he hadn't spoken. "Everyone says it to me. You've said it to me. Over and over they keep saying it, over and over again," Shepard tilts his head side to side, loosening his neck with an audible crack. The spiderwebbing scars are glowing a sickening orange. They almost seem to be spreading with the swollen bruising on his face.  
"Shepard, the Galaxy needs you. You're the only one who can help us."  
He laughs, deeply, bitterly.  
"They won't even let me die. Because there's only one of me." The light in his eyes flashes hotly red. "The only one. The only one who can make the hard choices."  
"Let Shepard do it. He'll do the things we don't want to, he'll take the responsibility." he grins, dark and feral.  
"And so I have. I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds," his eyes glaze over, the reflected memories of burning planets, of sacrificed lives flickering in the red light behind his gaze. He sucks in a sharp breath, abdomen clenching in twisted arousal.

Kaidan is staring at him, sickened. His head tics left then right in uneven rejection, drawing back a step, repelled.

"The only one who can stop the reapers. The only one who can save the galaxy." His face screws up in a bitter grimace, eyes bright. "The only one."

"But here you were, another human Spectre. Not me," he hisses, eyes narrowing and gaze inwards, "Not me. Not me. But not like everyone else." His eyes dart back up to Kaidan's, riveting him in place, halting his slow backwards step.  
"You had the drive, the fire, the ability to become so much more. But you were missing one key component, the thing that set us apart."  
He takes a slow breath, the maniacal light fading from his gaze. He exhales, leaning back, voice growing steady and disciplined once more.  
"You had to learn to take what you needed."  
He gazes hard at Kaidan, contemplates him with cool eyes and calm face before speaking precisely, "It was never about your loyalty."  
He smiled faintly. "I have honed you."

"You're insane," Kaidan manages.

"Perhaps," he replied, shrugging one shoulder slightly.  
"But it doesn't matter. What matters is stopping the reapers. I needed a back-up plan, someone ruthless enough to finish the mission if I am destroyed. To save humanity after I am gone.

But Kaidan is already walking out of his cabin before his final words are even spoken.

Shepard takes a deep breath of contentment and rolls his shoulders, coming to his center once more. His mission has been accomplished, more or less. It is perhaps sufficient. Only time would tell.

"EDI, get Admiral Hackett on the line and tell Joker to plot a course for the Citadel. Major Alenko has somewhere that he needs to be."


	5. Chapter 5

Kaidan is bone tired when he finally arrives at the showers. The pain of the day's exertions is finally making its presence felt in the ache of his left ribs, the stiffness in his battered knuckles. The muscles in his legs feel sluggish and tangled as he walks slowly past the sinks to the controls for the triangular shower area. As is the habit of most crew on ships with perfect water-recyclers, he toggles all three of the showerheads at the control panel, letting the spray erupt over the whole triangular shower nook.

He strips the standard crew shirt up over his head with stiff motions. It brushes with an odd tingle over the micro-thin strips of medi-gel that had been carefully adhered over the worst of the burns. They didn't hurt anymore, numbed by medi-gel and the doctor's careful dressings.

Karin had very nearly lost her shit when he had stumbled into the med-bay, half-naked, covered in bruises and welts and sweaty little blood-smeared lacerations. It was not something he had expected to see. That, more than anything had made real to him the fact that things had gotten beyond out of hand.

She had pressed a hand to her face in an uncharacteristic tremor as she looked on him with those sharp green eyes, cataloguing in her gaze his swollen jaw, the maroon-white welts on his back, the radiating purpling on his left ribs.  
Then she had gone on a monologue about irresponsible behavior and scaring the AI and so on as she had cleaned and dressed his wounds, put salve on his burns. Her voice had been low and shaky and thick with smothered emotion.  
She had let him close his eyes at some point, and had eventually trailed off in her invective.

Amazingly, he had slept.

Only for about fifteen minutes, jolting awake when EDI had alerted him with the fact that Admiral Hackett would be available on vid-com in five. But the brief rest had been enough to clear his head a bit. Doc brought him a clean crew uniform. His wounds were all patched up, an analgesic had been given.

Time to face the universe again.

Though he was surprised at EDI's announcement, he guessed what had happened. Regardless, it was definitely time to have a talk with Hackett.

Because, in a way, Shepard was right.  
About all of it.

It had been a surprisingly brief conversation. Hackett had so many more potential plans than he had resources that there was easily a place for Kaidan to slide into, to make a difference with. Details would be worked on. They would talk again when he made the citadel. Route him to a new team.

He was not even surprised when EDI interjected with the fact that the Citadel was their next stop, barring any further complications with the mission.

The longer portion of his conversation with the Admiral had revolved around Shepard.

Though he didn't go anywhere near the details, and the Admiral didn't press, even on vidcom Hackett could clearly see the bruising on Kaidan's jaw and the visible lacerations on his arms and face.

"He's not doing well, is he," Hackett had stated after a long pause, voice low.

Kaidan knew he wasn't talking about the progress of the missions but the man.

"No sir. What he's been through? What Cerberus did to him? It's too much. And I think my being here is making it worse," had been his reply.

Hackett had accepted this with a sharp nod, "I have to say son, I'm glad you're finally taking me up on my offer. We need you out there."

 

And it is the truth. They need him, badly. And he doesn't know if everything he has will be enough to do what they need. It is terrifying, he thinks as he moves into the showers, closing his eyes against the misting sprays of hot water. And that was just one little part of the galaxy. For a moment he just stands in the center of the shower bay, not touched fully by any of the shower-sprays, letting the fresh pure mist dew over his skin, bead on the hairs over his limbs. He can't even imagine what it's like to have the whole galaxy depending on him.

He feels a pang of grief for the loss of Shepard, of his onetime role-model and friend. What he had learned the hard way was that that Shepard was long gone. All that was left was the need of the galaxy, patched-back-together bits of flesh and cybernetics cobbled into something that could fight the good fight.  
Could he have saved him? He doesn't know.

But there isn't really time for him to worry about the things that have already come to pass, about the what-ifs. There is no time to wonder if he can do it, to worry about the sacrifices that will have to be made. Shepard was right about that part.

He moves to his right into the spray of water from one of the heads, resting his palms on either side, tips his head back so that the hot water floods down his throat and over his body.

He has to start looking forward. His gear is packed, the change of uniform and pistol, rifle, stowed in one small duffel, resting on his bunk. The damaged armor is a loss he'll just have to replace on the Citadel. He is really living lean. It feels less and less like freedom and ever more like his life is tapering to a point.  
Finite.

But everyone had an end, he thinks with a bitter and self-deprecating twist to his mouth. What was he bitching about it for?

Kaidan hears the door open and ducks his head under the spray of water, hoping the person will do their business quickly and leave.

But there is not the expected clatter of feet or sounds of plumbing being used. There is just the quiet sound of the door whooshing closed followed by silence.

Protective necessity forces him to lift his head out of the spray to investigate the disturbing lack of disturbance.

The sensation he experiences when he sees James leaning on the door frame is excruciatingly tangled. It seems there is yet one more thing he must deal with before he can move forward.

Because while Shepard has long since begun to (literally) come apart at the seams, Kaidan doesn't have any such excuse.

Shame at his actions burns at his throat. Resigned anticipation of the possible repercussions, of harsh words, tenses the muscles of his shoulders. Knowledge sits heavily in his chest. Images of flushed tan cheeks and head thrown back in pleasure rush through his mind.

And lust… lust punches him in the belly harder than a full biotic kick as his eyes track the planes of muscle over the lieutenant's folded arms, the angled length of his torso, narrow cocked hips and powerful crossed legs. The crew tee is taut over his skin, tags nestled in the shallow cleft between his flexed pecs. The memory of James's bared skin against his lips, of having his face buried in his neck, is burning through his body.

As usual, he is hard to read. His posture speaks of relaxed confidence. Kaidan gazes into James's eyes. They are sparking, despite his characteristically impassive facial expression. The corner of his mouth is curved slightly.

He betrays his coveting in minute flaring of the nostrils as his gaze drifts slowly over the major's naked body. His eyes linger appreciatively on Kaidan's groin, taking in the new sight of the major's bared skin.

The blatant gaze has blood rushing through Kaidan's system and into all the obvious places.  
He feels bared, open, vulnerable to whatever James might dish out. He decides it's what he deserves, considering.

"Hey hefe, been looking for you. Still waiting on my orders here," James says with a teasing grin as his gaze finally returns to Kaidan's face.

Kaidan feels his face draw tight against the pain of his shame.

"I mean," Vega continues, "I'm used to hurry-up-and-wait-shit, but it's been more than an hour so I just thought I'd…," he frowns, trailing off as he notices the look on Kaidan's face with narrowed eyes.

Kaidan closes his eyes briefly to muster up the words.  
"James. I owe you an apology," Kaidan begins, taking a sharp breath. "I… god, I had no right to order you around like that," Kaidan continues, forcing his eyes open to endure his punishment in the other man's eyes. "I abused my authority in the worst way… it was unpardonable."

Vega gazes at him with narrowed eyes and impassive face, studying the serious set to Kaidan's features. Slowly he composes his features into his characteristic smirk, uncrossing one arm to flick at a fingernail and examine his fingers in studied indifference.

"Hm. Well maybe I liked it," he replies carefully. He turns hot eyes on Kaidan and adds, "I definitely liked the result."

Ah. Well then.

The silence stretches between them. Kaidan isn't usually at a loss for words, but at that moment the only thing he can think to do is swallow. It seems to communicate something nonetheless.

James lifts away from the wall, moving towards him slowly. Kaidan's breath is caught in his throat. He is riveted where he stands, watching James. The exquisite edges of relief are stretching through him, the way the lieutenant is looking at him with heat and intent and no sign of shame or anger.

Inexorably he continues forward, ignoring the water rushing around him. It rages over their bodies, quickly drenching James's clothes, slicking them tight to his skin. The outline of his nipples is even more visible as the soaking cotton clings to his body.  
His boots splash in the water till he steps right up against Kaidan, reaching a hand up to cup his jaw. His eyes are hot, and the arced curve of his mouth bows, lips parting slightly.

Kaidan does not move, savoring the taut line of heat pulling them together, the way he hears the slow drag of Vega's breath over the crashing water, the way the cool air slips through the hot puffs of steam to tingle over his bare skin. James smiles faintly.

"Hey," he murmurs.

Suddenly, inexplicably, Kaidan feels the faint burn of moisture welling in his eyes. He blinks it away rapidly, letting it get washed away in the water misting over their faces. Still, James sees it, rubs a thumb over his cheekbone, cupping his face tenderly.  
In a move that sends a wash of tangled feeling through Kaidan's chest, James leans forward, pressing a feather-light kiss to each corner of his mouth.

Then James slips his arms low around Kaidan's waist, avoiding his wounded back as he leans against him, pressing another kiss to the curve of his ear. Kaidan slips his arms under James's and splays them across the drenched translucent cloth below his shoulder blades. He lets his head nestle in the crook of James's neck.

Then for a long moment, they just stand there, holding each other in the rushing waterfall around them.

Slowly, Kaidan lifts his head and presses a return kiss at the corner of Vega's mouth. James quickly turns his head to bring his lips over to meet Kaidan's, massive arms tightening further. The kiss grows from gentle and hesitant to long and languid as their lips part and they taste each other again.

The tangle of their body chemistry is again an electrifying sensation, tingling across their tongues, unlike anything Kaidan has experienced with anyone else. He can't get enough of the sensation. He presses his tongue deeper into James's mouth just as James does the same to him, tongues sliding slick and firm against each other. Then the memory of their last kiss explodes erotic and vivid in his mind, of tasting James's semen off his own tongue.

He moans in response to the memory. James makes a responding growl at the sound, sliding thick fingers up through his soaked black hair to grip his head and crush their mouths together, turning their kiss to hot and darting. Kaidan moans again as he kisses back fiercely, fingers digging into the fabric on James's back.

"Oh hell, the noises you make, Kaidan," James mutters against his mouth. He grips Kaidan's hips and tugs them hard against his own so the major can feel the taut bulge in his pants. The feeling of his bare skin rubbing against the other man's cock through the soaked fabric has Kaidan rocking his head back on another low moan. James dips his head in, taking advantage of the motion to nip at the skin of his throat.

He starts trailing his lips down over Kaidan's collar bone, then down to a perfect pink nipple, taking it in between his teeth. He sucks hard on it, causing Kaidan's breath to hitch and his hands to float up to scrape blunt fingernails over the short hair on James's head. Then he nips his teeth at the sensitive underside of Kaidan's pectoral muscle, eliciting a shudder, before tracing the sweeping line down to the center of his chest.

Slowly he begins trailing his tongue down the center divide of the major’s abdomen. The muscles tense under the faint scrape of stubble and the brush of lips. When his tongue swirls into his navel, then tracks lower to where the faint traces of hair start, Kaidan's hands tighten reflexively on James's head, stopping him before he can go further.

"Madre de Dios," James interjects, lifting his head and straightening back up to cast an exasperated glance at Kaidan. "Major, are you ever going to let me suck your cock?"

At the flicker of puzzlement that crosses Kaidan's features he adds, "I've been trying to ask for weeks. You keep punching me or pulling rank every time I try," James says with a sardonic roll of his eyes. His fingers are still tracing faintly along the lines of muscle over Kaidan's ribs.

Kaidan's eyes narrow at that. That would certainly put a different spin on the altercation they'd had a few weeks past when he'd given Vega a bloody nose instead of hearing him out.

In his defense, he'd thought the lieutenant had been about to ask to receive a blow job considering Kaidan had humiliatingly just been seen to do so for Shepard in front of the lieutenant. Had he really been offering to give instead?

He hesitates, pulling a lip between his teeth, studying the honest desire in James's eyes. He wants that pretty much more than anything else. Well, maybe not anything else, he thinks, glancing down at James's hard body and taut narrow hips. His tongue darts out to wet his lips in a reflexive gesture. James's eyes follow the motion with a heated grin, head tipping slightly like he's going to kiss Kaidan again. But he doesn't. He just hovers, tantalizingly close, waiting for Kaidan to answer his original question.

Kaidan takes a shaky breath, swallowing hard. "Yeah, ok. Maybe I will," he says finally, voice low and rough with need. James grins in triumph, hands gliding lower to the line of Kaidan's hips as he dips his head under the curve of Kaidan's jaw.  
"But I ah..." he draws a ragged breath as he presses against Kaidan's bare chest, hands curving against Kaidan's hips and rolling them together as he tastes his way over the curve of Kaidan's shoulder.

"I think you're a bit overdressed for the occasion," Kaidan manages.

"I think you might be right," James says, smirks as he steps back. Making sure Kaidan's eyes are on him, he slowly grips the hem of his soaked tee, inching it upward. He grins, savoring the heat in Kaidan's gaze as he watches the wet fabric slip over the dips and curves of his washboard abs. By the time the shirt reveals his chest and he is lifting his arms over his head to pull it off, Kaidan is breathing uneven little breaths.

The shirt hits the deck in a wet slap.

Kaidan clenches his hand like he itches to touch him, but James remains just out of reach as he strokes broad rough hands through his little mohawk of hair, chasing a sheet of water back along his neck and down over his chest. He grins at Kaidan's clenched hands as he scrapes his calloused thumbs along the underside of his hardened nipples. He tips his head back with a soft sigh as he strokes his fingers in a vee down his abs, trailing alongside glistening droplets of water that roll and curve over his body. His hands slide all the way down his stomach, dipping under his belt and into the waistband of his pants.

Kaidan's breath hitches at the sight. James's teasing is nearly more than he can bear. He is already hanging long and hard, erection jutting out from his hips in anticipation.

Slowly he crouches down on one knee in front of Kaidan, watching his face for reactions as his head draws level with Kaidan's groin, still well out of touching distance. He can feel his lips pursing in frustration as James lets his tongue slip out to lick his perfectly curved lips. He glances up from Kaidan's cock, leaning his lips an inch closer, but still far too far away.  
"I can't wait to wrap my mouth around you and suck you deep," he says, eyes bright over his half-smile.

"Fuck," Kaidan curses under his breath as James speaks, looking away, body taut. It seems to amuse the younger marine as he turns his head to the task of unlacing his boots, tossing them with a heavy thud against the corner of the shower. His socks follow.

As James rises to his knees, hands working at his belt, water showers down onto his chest making his tattoos glisten with the trails of water rolling over them. His fists are already clenched tight, waiting for Vega's teasing to end. Even Kaidan's toes curl in desperate need. The movement has Vega's eyes tracking down and he grins as he yanks his belt off, letting it fall with a clatter on the deck. His trousers are wriggled off quickly to follow it, and finally he is kneeling, naked in front of him.

"You have some sexy fucking feet, Alenko," he says, crawling forward in the pooling water. Kaidan resists the urge to step back, or step forward - either way. He just waits, letting the lieutenant come to him, proving to himself that this time he wasn't pushing anything on the other man. Not this time.

James reaches forward, stroking fingers over the arch of his foot, the curved muscles stretching over his ankle and into his calf. He bends, pressing a kiss to Kaidan's kneecap, broad hands cupping the curve of his calf. They stroke higher, touching his thigh and Kaidan is biting his lip hard in anticipation.

Abruptly, before Kaidan can react or change his mind or say anything, James leans up, pressing his mouth hot and wet up under Kaidan's shower-drenched erection.

"Oh shit," Kaidan blurts as James creates hard suction with his lips and drags it along the sensitive underside of his cock.  
Slipping his lips around the head, James sucks on the tip of his erection, tongue dragging along the notch of the underside. Kaidan is breathing in short little huffs, trying not to grab James's head and pull it sharply down.

Slowly, James presses his head onward, taking more and more of Kaidan into his throat. Kaidan lets out a low strangled sound as his cock is engulfed in tight sucking heat. James glances up, eyes wrinkling at the look on Kaidan's face. He shoots the major a wink and turns his attention to his task.

His broad hands don't stay still either, even as his mouth is focused on slipping slowly and deeply over him. Vega strokes the taut muscle of his calves, kneads the back of his thighs, traces the curve of his knees. Water pours over his body, and when Kaidan tips his head back on a moan, it cascades over his face and down over his chest in a rush. He looks down, runs a hand through the drenched streak of hair on James's face, watching the way the water drips off his skin, splashes between them as James swallows him down again.

He has the sudden urge to replicate the maneuver James had performed earlier that day. He had impelled James into enacting one of the lieutenant's fantasies as a completion to the oral sex Kaidan had bestowed upon him, letting himself erupt all over Kaidan's face, then licking it off with painfully arousing slowness.

The memory of James's flushed face and incredulously satisfied expression is enough to have Kaidan moaning sharply as James grips his hips, using them as leverage to push Kaidan's cock even deeper into his throat. Kaidan can only stare as his cock disappears completely into Vega's throat. James lets out a low sound in the back of his throat as he rocks back, sucking in a deep breath. Kaidan can see the lieutenant is nearly as hard as he is, cock jutting out between his spread thighs where he kneels.

James moves to swallow him down again. Abruptly Kaidan grips his head and pushes it off his cock, gasping for breath. He looks down at him. James is looking at him expectantly, with raised brows and slightly open mouth.

"I want to fuck you," Kaidan says. It is only halfway a question.

James leans back on his heels, then stands up in a smooth ripple of muscle, looking at him with one quirked eyebrow and a teasing half-smile.

"Aye-aye," James replies cheekily even as he strokes a broad palm down over Kaidan's length again. "Where do you want me Sir?"

Kaidan can't resist the roughness of his hands as he grips a thick shoulder and shoves, facing James into the cool metal wall. With a pleased hum, James tilts his upper body forward, splaying his palms out against the bulkhead as Kaidan digs firm fingers into his hips, increasing the compression in the bowed shape the lieutenant makes. The sight of his tensed muscles has Kaidan half moaning again as he presses his body up behind him, letting his cock ride between the lieutenant's legs.

Slowly they slide against each other in revelry. They are pressed together from shoulder to thigh, hot skin and hotter water coming down, overloading them with molten sensation. His palms press and knead over the hard planes of Vega's chest. Their breaths are coming shorter and tighter as they rock against each other.

Burrowing his lips and teeth against the curve of James's neck and darting his tongue out to trace the skin behind his ear, he reaches down and grips a fistful of Vega's cock, tugging it with a long firm stroke. He repeats the motion, other hand pressing into the vee of muscle that curves along the base of his cock.

"Oh yes," James moans and grinds his hips forward into Kaidan's hand, thighs tightening and dragging against Kaidan's erection in response. The head of his cock presses against the curve of Vega's sac as he strokes forward again between the marine's thighs, meeting him as the lieutenant grinds back against him. He digs his fingertips into the vein running along the underside of James's cock as he strokes it.  
"More," he demands. "Fuck me Kaidan."

Kaidan leans back slightly and relinquishes his grip as he strokes his hands down and back, gripping the marine's wet flanks. As James ducks his head in anticipation, water rushes down along the curve of spine framed by long planes of muscle along James's back, pouring over Kaidan's cock. It's not ideal lubrication, but he's pretty sure neither of them cares.

He nudges the head of his cock up between the taut cheeks of Vega's ass, brushing it up against the wet entrance, slickened flesh slipping from Kaidan's grasp. When Kaidan repositions himself James spreads his legs a little more, lowering himself against Kaidan's erection, added tension holding him in place. Kaidan lets go of his cock long enough to spread his ass.

He watches, breath coming in tight little pants through his nose as he begins pressing his hips forward, jaw clenched tight. His swollen tip presses into the edge of James's heat, stretching him slowly open. The taut band of muscle begins to loosen steadily as James sighs, relaxing the muscles in his back slightly. Kaidan pushes harder, and then suddenly the head of Kaidan's erection is past the edge of his entrance, gripped tight by James's body's reflexes. Kaidan is too busy trying to remember to breath to do anything more than stare, fingers splayed over Vega's skin.

"Finally," James groans, arms flexing as he pushes himself back, impaling himself on Kaidan with no hesitation. He goes much faster and harder than Kaidan is prepared for. Kaidan groans, hands clamping reflexively on James's hips as they strike against his, wet slap signaling audibly that he is buried completely inside the lieutenant.

The pressure is incredible. The sensation is overwhelming - and it's more than that, it's all the more intense because it is not just physical sensation flaring out from the tight heat around his cock, the slick hot skin against his chest.

Then he thrusts, and it is all he can do not to explode right then and there. Vega groans, the sound reverberating through his back and against Kaidan's chest. Burying his face against the sprawl of tattoo on James's shoulder, Kaidan repeats the motion, gasping at the effort of clinging to his control.

He wrenches a clenched hand away from Vega's hips, sliding it forward to resume his hold on the lieutenant's cock.  
James groans as he rolls his wrist, sharply stroking down in time with a third thrust.  
Overstimulated though he may be, Kaidan refuses to let himself go in a rush, refuses to let this last moment of stolen intimacy escape his grasp too quickly. Because it is the last, he knows. Probably ever for him.

He tries to focus on James's pleasure, once more savoring the bunching of muscle and gasping groans his efforts can elicit from the younger man. He thrusts and pulls in tight motions, gasping through the cascade of water splashing over them, over his face.

But listening to the lieutenant groan through gritted teeth, seeing his hands curl against the shower walls as he pushes himself back against Kaidan's thrusts is overwhelming.  
Kaidan's other hand roams desperately over James's body, digging into ridges of muscle, and scraping over taut nipples. Eventually his hand starts gripping spasmodically on James's waist as his thrusts become less and less controlled. The hand on James's cock and his own thrusting into the lieutenant lose their synchrony. Kaidan desperately focuses on the motions of his hands, twisting and dragging his fingers around James's length. He can only manage deep, hard, graceless thrusts into the man, struggling for control.

"Yes!" James groans out, body going stiff as he clamps down around Kaidan's cock. He groans louder, hips jerking against Kaidan's hands as they slide and twist over his erection, tearing the orgasm through him.  
It is too much for Kaidan.  
Kaidan's hand on James's hip clamps down hard as he slams himself into James's body, buried completely as he gasps out a moan. The orgasm explodes through him, sending a shockwave rippling through the muscles of his body. They tighten and go pliant then back again in rapid succession as he grinds himself against James more, although he is already as deep as he can go.

For once, they are both speechless. James ought to have some witty quip, and Kaidan tries to think of something to say, but he has nothing. He just leans against James's back, face pressed against his neck, gasping for breath on the comedown of his orgasm. Their thighs are pressed together, hips mated over every inch buried to the hilt as he is, and Kaidan keeps his tight hold on the lieutenant.

The warmth of James's body under him is cooler than the heat of the showers, but it is the warmth in which he would rather burrow. One of James's hands slips down from the wall to caress Kaidan's forearm where it is wrapped tightly around his waist. He tips his head against Kaidan's, nuzzling him slightly. He clings to every last sensation, drinking in the memory, knowing that reality is about to intrude with aching reminders of the passage of time.

James steps forward then, slipping from their intimate joining and turns to face him, moving back against the wall. He pulls Kaidan into his arms and pulls his body tight against him. He gazes into Kaidan's eyes with that inscrutable expression, a slight smile ghosting on his lips.

And then, most painfully of all, James kisses him. And it is not foreplay, not the teasing pursuit of sensation, but rather the tender seeking of intimacy, of connection to another person's existence.  
Kaidan knows that it will not be without cost, that it is not fair to do, but he leans into the kiss, curling into James's embrace. He touches James one last time, memorizing the curve and line of his strength, his energy, with slow soft strokes. He feels his heart beating in his chest, shares his breath in the tight rush of air through their noses as their tongues trace the contours of each other's mouths.

He savors the experience, the final moments of closeness before it is all torn asunder.  
And torn asunder it must be. Timing perfect as ever, his wakeup call comes.

"Major Alenko, we are arriving at the citadel. Docking in approximately ten minutes," EDI's voice echoes in the bathroom. He turns his head away with a shuddering breath, swallowing down the pain. Slowly, tightly he lets his hands fall away.

James reaches over and hits the shower controls, cutting off the hiss of water and leaving a sudden silence in the room.

"Understood EDI, thank you," Kaidan replies, glancing at Vega then looking away again before he can fully register the expression on his face. Sighing at his cowardice, and the gritty sensation of reality, he steps back from James's embrace. He sloughs water from his body with a few quick strokes, shakes his head like a dog to free the water from his wet hair. It helps to break the feeling of painful tension of the lieutenant's gaze on his face. Even still in his peripheral vision he sees James lift himself away from the wall in a ripple of tan skin.

Kaidan gazes after him as he walks a pace away, picking up his sopping shirt from where it sits in a puddle of water.  
He begins wringing it out in his hands till it is merely wet and not drenched.  
"So. You're shipping out, no?" James says eventually. He purses his lips, but he does not shy away from looking at Kaidan. His eyes are as unfathomable as ever. He shakes the shirt out and drags it over his head.

"Yeah," Kaidan says in reply, looking away as he flicks excess water from his fingers. Kaidan makes himself move, step away even though his motions are stiff, too tightly made. He goes out of the shower area towards the sinks where his clothes are stacked. Kaidan begins tugging up the clothing with efficient motions, dragging the trousers over his still-damp legs.  
James does the same wringing motion with his trousers, crushing them with his considerable strength and shaking them out before he pulls them on. He waits quietly.

Kaidan pauses, shirt hanging limp from his fingertips. "I… can't stay here any longer. It's... complicated," he adds, glancing over at his erstwhile lover. "I'm sorry."

"I get it," James says, though Kaidan catches the flicker of disappointment. It warms him even as it hurts. He opens his mouth to say something, but nothing comes out, so he turns back to his clothes. Kaidan settles his shirt over his chest and fastens his belt over his trousers. Years of practice makes quick work of his boots, and shortly he is fully dressed. There is nothing left to stall him. There is only the young lieutenant, standing in soaked clothing in a pool of water, watching him with inscrutable eyes. Kaidan gazes back. He wonders if his face is as fathomless. He doubts it.

"Thank you. For everything, James," he says quietly. "I'm... glad we got to spend some time together," Kaidan adds, trying to smile. It feels bittersweet at best.

James shrugs, looking embarrassed. He tips his boots upright with a toe and sticks his foot in one. "Yeah. Same here."

Kaidan wants to say something else, something more… but he doesn't have the words. He busies himself with a cursory check of his uniform in the mirror, and a quick drag of his fingers through his hair, styling it in roughly his usual manner.  
"If you could, do me a favor?" Kaidan asks instead, looking at the marine.

He looks up, nods the affirmative.

"Tell the others I'm sorry. Explain why I didn't…" he falters, shakes his head. "Nevermind. Just, tell them I had to leave for a mission. Admiral Hackett has a job he needs me to do."

"Yeah. Yeah I can do that Major," James says with an understanding pull to his lips, shoulders relaxing a little. Every soldier understood that, learned to roll with it. Things that must be done, and that left little room for personal wants and choices.

Then there's nothing else to say, no more clothes to put on. They just stand there a moment looking at each other.

"Next time you get a chance, uh," James shrugs uncomfortably. "Maybe drop me a line. Let me know you're alive or whatever."

Ah. There were the words he'd wanted, the feeling he couldn't figure out how to express.  
"Yeah," Kaidan says quietly. "You too."

Then the hot embers of how much he really hates this war begin to burn like acid in his chest. At loss. At what ifs. At never-will-be's.  
And yet…  
It is the burn of the fight, not the coldness of loss. To have things to fight for.

He stokes it. Lets himself have one more look at the other marine who stares at him with unfathomable eyes. Steels himself and turns to leave, to do what he can to end this damn fucking insanity of a war.

He paces to quarters and snags his duffel from his bunk, turns and heads straight up the elevator.  
Shepard is at his terminal, but there is nothing left to say between them. Neither man turns to the other or even acknowledges the other's presence. Traynor watches him with huge eyes, silent.  
Kaidan moves steadily towards the airlock, passing the faces of crew he never really got to know. The airlock is quiet.

And expectedly so. His departure hasn't been announced. EDI knows, therefore Joker knows. James had figured it out overhearing EDI. He knows he should probably have said something to Liara, but... she will understand. She always knows more than she lets on anyway. Besides, James would pass things along to her and the others.  
Putting a hand on the wall next to the empty airlock he sets down his duffel. He casts a glance back at the CIC.

Shepard knows.

He is standing at the galaxy map, in a precisely starched uniform, standing at perfect parade rest as he surveys the navigation data. The bruising on his face is of no matter to him. He turns amber eyes on Kaidan down the long length of the Normandy's throat, meeting his for just an unfathomable moment.  
He nods. Turns back to work.

Kaidan turns towards the cockpit, stepping inside.

When the doors open Joker turns in the pilot's chair. The great arms of the citadel loom behind him through the windows, pink glow of the nebula backlighting the galactic castle. There is no sound save the low hum and beep of the Normandy's systems. No witty quips, no illicit video on low volume. EDI's platform is somewhere else, so it's just him and Jeff.

Joker looks pissed at him.

Really pissed. So pissed that he just turns his chair away and says nothing. Kaidan's not sure he understands why Joker is mad, but he stays there a moment. He's not sure what he could say. He's sure as hell not going to tell him to take care of Shepard.

He's not going to say that to anyone ever again.

He waits in silence till the citadel looms huge before them as the docking clamps raise and latch onto the hull, thumping metallically. He drifts over to the co-pilot's chair, looking out the windows, just remembering. He hears Ashley's voice echo in his head on their first arrival to the great station, Joker's teasing. Shepard's smile.

He feels the slight vibration in the deck as the airlock platform meets the citadel's docking limb. Time to go. To do whatever it takes.  
He looks down at Joker, whose face is drawn tight, frowning fiercely as he refuses to make eye contact.

Kaidan sighs, touches a hand to the edge of the pilot's chair.

"See you around Jeff. Give 'em hell," he says finally. "And stay safe," he adds, turning and heading for the airlock. Away from the cockpit, away from the Normandy. He is almost out of earshot, stepping through the airlock doors when he hears it.

"Same to you," comes the quiet reply.


End file.
